So tomorrow is fathers day. A bit of a bitter sweet holiday. Friday is my 32nd birthday.
Two days that always put me in a state of reflection.
When I was three years old my dad died in a house fire, so I recognize that tomorrow is never guaranteed. I recognize that not having tomorrow would affect many more people than just me.
Every fathers day I am thankful for the fact that my children know who I am. If I were to die today, my oldest three would have very specific and fun memories of their dad. My youngest, not so sure. I actually do talk to them about this at certain times. Not to take ‘tomorrow’ for granted and to be grateful for what is a pretty functional, two-parent household.
In many ways I’m thankful for the events that happened in 1981. It has made me who I am today. My dad has a mixed legacy. Some people have great memories of him, others have horrific memories of him. Many have both… I often wonder who I’d be had my father had a part in raising me. What would he have taught me? How would his parenting have influenced mine? In large part, due to the negative I have heard about, I am thankful that I started my fatherhood with a clean slate. I had no example on how to be a dad. I’ve truly been winging it for 13 years. Looking at my friends and seeing how they behave as dads. Trying to take what is good and impress that upon my children.
As I sat here in a period of reflection, Danny Gokey’s music video came on TV. “My Best Days Are Ahead of Me.” God willing, my best days are ahead of me.
I’m old enough to look back on life and see what I’ve done right and what I’ve done wrong. I’m young enough to look forward and dream about another 40+ years of life. As I get to watch my parenting come to fruition as my children move onto adult hood. Where they will choose a career, a spouse, and hopefully a grounding in the Christian faith. I know the importance of daddy. I know that what I do to them will influence the decisions they make then. I dream about watching my 13 year old father my grandchildren. My 12 year old loving her husband and nurturing my grandchildren. My 9 year old… my ball of fire, refining that energy into a laser focus to what he focuses on in life. My 5 year old growing up with an appreciation for what he has due to a string of events that happened when he was just 5 months old. I envision celebrating a marriage that has lasted 50+ years at a time when marriage of 10 years are rare, much less 50. I dream about the great victories. I dream about, through being a foster parent, what children will come through our doors and I will be their daddy, if only for a temporary moment in time. I have a healthy respect and fear for the unknown. I know that anything can happen today that changes those dreams dramatically.
So here’s to dreaming about the future.