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Chapter 7 is titled, The Power of Ceremony.  I took a lot from this chapter in how to communicate progress to my boys as they get older.

Think about times in your life that are memorable.  While many are going to be things that happen in life, the ones that REALLY stick out to you are ceremonies.  Funerals, weddings, baptisms, and similar events.  The author put it this way:

Ceremonies are those special occasions that weave the fabric of human existence. Weddings. Award banquets. Graduations. The day you became an Eagle Scout or were accepted into a fraternity.  We remember because of ceremony.

Think back upon the significant moments in your life. With few exceptions, the value of those moments was sealed by ceremonies. Someone took the time to plan the details, prepare the speech, and purchase the awards – so you would feel special.

Ceremony should be one of the crown jewels for helping a boy become a man. In many cultures throughout history, a teenage boy has been taken through some type of ritual to mark his official passage into manhood. I believe one of the great tragedies of Western culture today is the absence of this type of ceremony.

Two things stick out to me there.  The comment that ‘someone took the time to plan the details’.  Ceremonies by their definition don’t just happen.  They are planned and expected to produce something.  The other comment was how our Western culture is missing this very element to our life’s.

Dig. Set. Spike.

This is how the author relates the process to getting to a ceremony.  The phrase is taken from Volley Ball, where a person ‘digs’, which puts the ball into play.  ‘Set’s’ where a person sets the ball up for a spike, which seals the deal and gives the point to the team.  The dig is compared to the point where a dad comes to the understanding that a greater life is to be had and starts to work on his character development.  The set is the early years of a son’s life.  Where you start laying the ground work to spike home the fact that your boy has made a transition in life.  The ceremony. 

This process is then played out for a knight, and after the very detailed process the question was asked:

Do you think this young man would ever wonder if he really became a knight?

NO!  The process was so deliberate that this boy knew when he was a knight.  The same should be for our boys they should know when they are men.  No questions asked. 

The chapter this concludes with an answer to the following question, “What makes a good ceremony?” Which is given a four part answer:

1. Memorable Ceremonies are costly.
2. Memorable Ceremonies ascribe value.
3. Memorable ceremonies employ symbols.
4. Memorable ceremonies empower a life with vision.

Number two and three really hit home for me.

Ceremonies should ascribe value, in that it should say two things to the person at the center of the ceremony. You are important! This is important!   They need to understand the ramifications to what just happened. 

I really enjoyed the concept of symbols.  I think that having something solid to look at, hold, feel, etc… really drives home the message.  I am actually working on getting a ‘family crest’ together for my future knights!

I am a bit overwhelmed and looking forward to the ceremonies of my own children.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 6 is titled, A Transcendent Cause.

The chapter starts off talking about the battle of of Peleliu in 1944.  It is a battle that many historians have declared irrelevant.  Talking about how hard this was for the veterans to be relegated as irrelevant.  Talking about how men have to have a point in their life, a transcendent cause.

Next the author talks about the conventional vision of manhood, with five celebrated characteristics.

1. It paints a one-dimensional picture, equating manhood with a “position.”
2. His value is earned; therefore he becomes highly competitive.
3. Success is the goal – often at the expense of one’s marriage, one’s children, and meaningful, close relationships.
4. The reward of conventional manhood is power, chiefly in the marketplace.
5. If a man becomes successful in this plan, he enjoys personal wealth and affluence.

Then the author wraps this up with a pretty good paragraph:

The problem with this conventional model of manhood is not that it is wrong, but that it is incomplete. As a part of life, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career and success and all the trappings (minus the concubines!) that go with it. The problem is in thinking this is all of life when, in fact, it is only a part.

The bigger part is having a transcendent cause. A transcendent cause is defined as having three characteristics:

* Truly heroic
* Timeless
* Supremely Meaningful

However we as parents have not been giving our sons this, which I think is summed up best with the following statement:

We give our sons good things, but not the best things.

Next the author went to share a personal story between a friend and a stranger on an airplane.  The stranger shared a lot of his story and the friend saw how this guy had a burden for his failures as a father and then he asked the stranger if his dad ever said he was proud of you.  The stranger said no, so then the friend went on to tell him what is good about him by his story.  The stranger wiped a tear from his eye. Now what makes this story interesting was the day I read this for the first time I went to a men’s group meeting and around the end of the meeting a fellow guy there basically said the same to me.  Meant a lot to me to hear those words of affirmation.  Which also is a theme to this book, that we need that affirmation and we need to GIVE that affirmation to others.  Not to be afraid to cheer on our fellow men.

Finally the chapter wraps up with why Jesus is that transcendent cause.

1. Jesus Christ is truly heroic.
2. Jesus Christ is timeless.
3. Jesus Christ is supremely meaningful.

Overall a very good chapter to read.

[Initially Written: 3.1.2009]
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Chapter 5 is tilted, A Code of Conduct.

The chapter starts by talking about what having a code of conduct would look like in life by sharing two stories.  The first of himself when he got caught cheating in school.  The teacher said to him, “You are who you are when nobody is looking.” Then a story about a friend who was fishing with his dad, caught a large bass two hours before bass season.  His dad made him throw it back.  That lesson was something neither boy ever forgot.

Next he talked about the changing moral climate, with a great quote from William Kilpatrick:

Parents cannot, as they once did, rely on the culture to reinforce home values. In fact, they can expect that many of the cultural forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.

Wow.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put better.

In keeping with the theme of the book the author then went through what the code of conduct was for a knight.

1. Be loyal.
2. Conduct himself like a champion.
3. Win the love of women.
4. Practice generosity.

Violating this oath resulted in a charge of treason!

The author then gave 10 things that could be considered the Christian code of conduct:

1. Loyalty.
2. Servant-leadership.
3. Kindness.
4. Humility.
5. Purity.
6. Honesty.
7. Self-discipline.
8. Excellence.
9. Integrity.
10. Perseverance

All of this raises the question, how does a father train a child to have such a code of conduct?  The author gives these suggestions:

1. A father must set a Godly example.
2. A father must teach spiritual truth.
3. A father should share stories.
4. A father reinforces through affirmation, attention, and discipline.  With great stress on the first two.

Next the author offers a bit of wisdom in how to train a child.  Many parents make the mistake of trying to live their dream through their son, when they should really push their sons toward their individual bent. I’ve had to deal with this myself.  I love to play basketball and don’t care much for baseball.  What do my son’s enjoy playing?  Baseball.  I’ve had to let them (and support them) do their own thing and let it produce the fruit it produces.

Finally the author closes the chapter telling us what it means to love and honor women.  How a knight was expected to rescue the damsel in distress.  Protecting women was a special expectation of the knight hood.

[Initially Written: 2.28.2009]
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Chapter 2 is titled, The invisible Dad.  A story about the authors father.

It opens up with a quote that I love:

The most urgent domestic challenge facing the United States at the close of the twentieth century is the re-creation of fatherhood as a vital social role for men.

The authors dad was a drunk and he got stuck many times in between his fathers problems and other members of the family.  A very telling quote:

You swallow a lot of pain when at 15 you tell your dad not to come out of his room until your friends are gone. You swallow a lot of pain hiding car keys or disposing of hidden whiskey bottles before the weekend comes. You swallow a lot of pain refereeing fights to make sure no one gets injured.

Must have been tough for him.  He then went on to cover the story of his dad’s redemption.  One night Robert Lewis was at a gathering of Christians and the question came up about that one prayer you want answered.  He said it was for his father to come to Christ, though he had rebuffed him many times over the years.  That very night his dad in a drunken stupor shoved his wife (the authors mom) as he walked out of the house after an argument.  The mom fell and hit her head on a table, breaking her neck.  She layed there for hours until she was able to get some help.  The dad didn’t know about it until he got to work the next day, having not gone home.  As he was told he had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital.  The author quickly flew to the hospital where both parents were.  He went in to visit his dad, groggy from drugs.  His dad didn’t know who he was, but begin to confess all the bad things he did and brag about his preacher son.  The conversation continued and the dad realized he was talking to his son.  That was the beginning of the dad’s faith journey.  At age 70!

Now what I love about this redemption story is the dad’s reaction to the mom.  He knew he didn’t deserve anything from her.  If she wanted to leave him, that is what he deserved.   Here is the story from the book:

Dad moved out of the home for a year and pledged to earn his way back. He finally began to accept responsibility for is life. He gave up drinking, received professional counseling, and worked to regain Mom’s trust. Eventually he did return home.

That is an example of a person who gets how bad their sin was.    I’ve seen the person in this situation have a fake sorrow, this though was a person with Godly sorrow.

Finally the chapter closes with wrapping up the damage an invisible dad can cause.  The curse it puts on the children.  He closes with this statement and question, which I will close with as well:

I intend to use my hurt for their gain. I intend to make sure the curse of the Invisible Dad goes no further than me.

How about you?

How about you?

[Initially Written 2.15.2009]
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Chapter 1 is titled, Manhood: Don’t Let Your Son Leave Home Without It.

The chapter starts out discussing that moment when a son is leaving the house, likely for good, to start his own life.

The question is asked, what does he leave with?  What did you as a father give your son to live life with?  Does he know how to be a man?

Which then led to the question, when does a boy become a man?  Puberty? When he leaves home? Marriage?  Truth be told if you asked 10 guys you would probably get 8 different answers.

Robert Lewis then stated three ways in which fathers have failed their sons in defining when they become men.  This is the basis of the book.

1. We have failed to deliver to our sons a clear, inspiring, biblically grounded definition of manhood.
2. Most fathers lack a directional process that calls their sons to embrace the manhood they should be able to define.
3. A loss of ceremony.

Finally the chapter covered how Robert Lewis and his friends came into the concepts raised in this book.  How their own needs as fathers bore the fruit of this book.  I really liked one section where he compared the definition of manhood to nailing Jell-O to a wall. During this journey they stumbled across using the knighthood as a model from raising boys to manhood.

The process to be a knight was well defined and set a great precedent in raising boys.

First, the knight embodied a well-defined set of ideals.

Secondly a knights life also outlined a well-defined process.  There was no second guessing of a man was a knight.  You knew when you made that change due to the process around it.

Finally, ceremonies.  part of that well defined process was marked with ceremonies.  Nights that a boy can look back on to know when he became a man.

[Initially Written 2.15.2009]
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As I mentioned in a previous post I read the book, Raising A Modern-Day Knight by Robert Lewis.

The basic premise of the book is back in the day Knights had a very well defined process to man hood and now in our society there is no defined process for a boy to become a man.  This book covers ways a father can recognize those moments of transition and make it mean something to the boy’s under his control.

It was very hard for me to read this book.  Not only from what I have lost in life, but what I should also do as a father… heavy burden.  A high calling.

The book mentions a few points that should be recognized.  The 13th birthday, around puberty.  Graduation from high school. Graduation from college, or whatever that post high school step is (boot camp, etc..). Marriage. 

I would highly recommend this book to any man raising children.  Christian or not, this is a great book to read. 

Over the next few weeks I am going to continue to review this book chapter by chapter, bringing out my thoughts about each chapter.

[Initially Written 2.14.2009]
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