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So tomorrow is fathers day.  A bit of a bitter sweet holiday.  Friday is my 32nd birthday.

Two days that always put me in a state of reflection. 

When I was three years old my dad died in a house fire, so I recognize that tomorrow is never guaranteed.  I recognize that not having tomorrow would affect many more people than just me.

Every fathers day I am thankful for the fact that my children know who I am.  If I were to die today, my oldest three would have very specific and fun memories of their dad.  My youngest, not so sure.  I actually do talk to them about this at certain times.  Not to take ‘tomorrow’ for granted and to be grateful for what is a pretty functional, two-parent household.

In many ways I’m thankful for the events that happened in 1981.  It has made me who I am today.  My dad has a mixed legacy.  Some people have great memories of him, others have horrific memories of him.  Many have both… I often wonder who I’d be had my father had a part in raising me.  What would he have taught me?  How would his parenting have influenced mine?  In large part, due to the negative I have heard about, I am thankful that I started my fatherhood with a clean slate.  I had no example on how to be a dad.  I’ve truly been winging it for 13 years.  Looking at my friends and seeing how they behave as dads.  Trying to take what is good and impress that upon my children. 

As I sat here in a period of reflection, Danny Gokey’s music video came on TV.  “My Best Days Are Ahead of Me.”  God willing, my best days are ahead of me.

I’m old enough to look back on life and see what I’ve done right and what I’ve done wrong.  I’m young enough to look forward and dream about another 40+ years of life. As I get to watch my parenting come to fruition as my children move onto adult hood.  Where they will choose a career, a spouse, and hopefully a grounding in the Christian faith.  I know the importance of daddy.  I know that what I do to them will influence the decisions they make then.  I dream about watching my 13 year old father my grandchildren.  My 12 year old loving her husband and nurturing my grandchildren.  My 9 year old… my ball of fire, refining that energy into a laser focus to what he focuses on in life.  My 5 year old growing up with an appreciation for what he has due to a string of events that happened when he was just 5 months old.  I envision celebrating a marriage that has lasted 50+ years at a time when marriage of 10 years are rare, much less 50. I dream about the great victories.  I dream about, through being a foster parent, what children will come through our doors and I will be their daddy, if only for a temporary moment in time. I have a healthy respect and fear for the unknown.  I know that anything can  happen today that changes those dreams dramatically. 

So here’s to dreaming about the future.

There are two life changing moments in my life.  Once, when my wife and I were baptized.  But before that, was when our son was born.

We were two young children, having a child.  Life was forever different, exactly 13 years ago from the date of this post.

Our little baby, that has grown up with his parents, is now officially a teenager. 

Life was so uncertain, there was no telling where this young family would go.  There was no real reason to believe we’d last.  That this little baby would have any real hope for a future. 

Yet, here we are.  Some children in our position use their age as an excuse.  They would do stupid things and in the end, the loser is everybody.  Yet, but the grace of God we survived.  We moved forward and onward.  We were blessed along the way.  We made good choices along the way.  We got lucky along the way.  We messed up along the way.  Yet, here we are.

This baby is now the heart of our family.  He is an amazing son, whom I am proud to be his dad.  Its been a fun 13 years, and I am looking forward to the adventure that will be the next 13.

Happy Birthday Son!

  Today marks the day we celebrate Fathers Day around our diverse country.  Unfortunately this day is a broken day for many.  For 15 years of my life it meant nothing to me.  My dad had died and I had no father figure.

Back then, this was a rarity.  Everybody seemed to have a dad, maybe not a great dad, but a dad. 

So I have no memories of my dad teaching me life and what it means to be a man.  I have no memories of my dad wrestling with me and overall just showing me who is boss.

I had no father and I paid for it… but I also benefited from it. Not having a dad meant that I didn’t have a bad example.  Anything I was to become in respect to being a dad was going to be new and raw.

That journey started when I was just 18 years old.  Nowhere near ready to be a dad, but ready or not the journey was starting.  My precious son was born to two scared to death teenagers.  This son was watching his mom and dad get their high school diploma when he was six months old.  This son was there the day his mom and dad became husband and wife.  This son was there when his mom and dad became Christians and were baptized.  He was there during some very formative years.  Who we were going to be was nowhere near defined.  This was the time frame when I thought $8 per hour was acceptable and $12 was awesome.  By the grace of God I knew it had to be different for him.  I knew that who I am will shape who he will become.  Today I am so proud of this son, to see him be so much more than I am.  Some dads may feel challenged by that fact, but the fact that he, at times, is a better man then me… makes me very proud.  That June, fathers day meant something to me for really the first time ever. 

Then just a year later our family of three had become a family of four.  My little girl was just newborn as we celebrated our second fathers day as a family.  What a daddy’s girl she has become.  She and I share a connection that I don’t share with any of my other children.  When I slip in a subtle joke she gets it. She and I then get to share a few seconds of shared laughter while the rest of the children are trying to catch up.  I love the “OK Daddy” replies I get when I ask her to do something.  She brings out the soft side in her big rough dad.  It is so humbling to see her excel at school as she does.  It just comes naturally to her and she barely has to try.  I can’t wait to see how she utilizes that gift as she enters womanhood.

Next we thought we were done adding to the specialness of this day when our second son was born.  In 2001 I was now the father of three children on fathers day.  They say if you have enough children you will eventually have yourself.  This one is it for me… and I LOVE IT!  If there is ever going to be one of our children suspended in school for fighting or brought home by the police for doing something stupid… its this one.  What I love about him is that, like me, one day ‘it’ will flip (and there is some thought that this may have happened late this school year).  All of those tendencies that make him the one that makes us earn our parenting stripes will be the same tendencies that put him on the moon!  He won’t be one that is satisfied with being a supporting cog in a system, he will want to be at the front of the line risking his life while doing it.  He will have such a passion for whatever he commits to that failure will just not be an option.  I can’t wait for that fire to come out of him. 

Now I thought I was done being a father to new children but plans changed and in 2005 there was yet another boy in the house.  Though I wasn’t ready to claim him as my own at this point.  I even remember telling my wife to leave him out of it for this year.  I was trying to protect my heart a bit because it was not a given that he would be ours.  That changed by time fathers day 2006 came around.  We were well on our way to adopting him and by this time the loving nature of this boy had broken any shield that I had around my heart.  It was around this time when the responsibility of being a father truly hit me.  There was no doubting by this point that my life would significantly impact the life’s of others, for good or bad.. I was going to significantly influences families for generations to come.  This son, is so special to me.  When I come home it is him that runs to me and gives me the biggest hugs and kisses.  I just love seeing his face light up as he runs to me.  I am so going to miss that when he becomes to cool to do that. 

Again, I kind of thought we were done.  Again I was wrong.  Today will be the first Sunday I celebrate as a father of five.  She and I are still working out what life will mean together but she is here.  More so than any of the others, my relationship with her will have a life changing impact.  All the others went through some trials with us as a family, but we were still a family.  This little girl was wondering in the desert basically alone. This is so new I can’t even post the picture I want to post.  I can’t wait until we get to see how she takes an opportunity that I never had and runs with it.  I never had a dad come in and claim me as my own, it was just me and my mom.  It will certainly be a wild ride ahead.

Now in this post I have focused on my children.  However one thing that really stuck out to me as I was looking for images for this post was all the other children that I have had deep interaction with all the years. Many of them fatherless children.  I know that as I see some of them now, we have a good interaction together and I’m sure some of the ones I saw in the pictures that I haven’t seen in a while… would remember me and we would have a moment of connection if we did see each other.  I know that as a dad in today’s culture I am important.  As a man in today's culture… you are important (if you’re a man of course).  We need a revolution of men in this country, because without it there will continue to be 1 Million plus abortions a year.  Without it, boys will continue to grow up to be cowardly men that run from their responsibilities as ‘men’.  So if your a man… be a man!  If you’re a father… be a better man!

Finally I close this post with an announcement.  This will serve as the last post on www.cincifamily.com as it is now.  I am not sure what it will become moving forward, but it won’t be a blog as the current site is.  There will be a public aspect of it where I share thoughts like this.  However it will not be prominent.  I have no time table for this change, but to the folks that read this (the ones that comment and the ones that don’t)… thanks for sharing with me in my journey.  Today marks the end of this chapter and a beginning of another.  I’m not sure what words and thoughts will be in this next chapter, but one thing is certain… it will impact my family for generations to come because I’m a father to five precious children.  I am a father to three future dads.  I am a father to two girls who will pick their husband largely due to the way they see me treat them and their mom.  I’m going to fall short on occasion and that’s OK… because as I recently heard on Focus on the Family, “Some things are so important that they are worth doing badly.”  I don’t have this father thing figured out, but hopefully my children pick up the good and learn from the bad.

It’s a blessed life.

Chapter 14 is titled, A Word To Dads Who Think They Blew It. 

Now being that my boys are still young this doesn’t fully apply to me, but for many man this is the chapter they will start with.  They will, as the author described, skim the table of contents and see this chapter and start here.  Asking if there is any hope, and the author simply puts it this way:

The answer, I’m happy to say, is “Yes".” It may require some hard humility on yoru part, but I can declare with certainty that as long as you’re both alive, it’s never too late to close the gap with your son. NEVER.

Then the author shares a story about a 64 year old… SON and his 94 year old dad.  How they, even at such an age, redeemed their relationships.  Even as I read it tonight it brings a few tears.

The chapter closes out with a directive to not let fear hold you back and then three steps to take to mend the relationship with a son.

1. Interview Him.  Ask him what he thinks about you as a dad.
2. Confess to him.  Let him know where you know you have failed.
3. Bless him.  This one I would think would be easier at a more advanced age than a younger one.  At an advanced age you likely have some track record to bless and encourage him.

This is a great book and I would highly recommend it for any father.  I will have a follow up post soon because Easter Weekend my son and I are taking a trip to Florida and I plan on implementing this book then!

Chapter 13 is titled, Where The Boys Are.  This was basically a recap of where the boys of the men who were the subject of this book are at.  Very basic chapter that, in my opinion, leaves out a lot of details.

The ‘best’ thing that you can give your son is Christ, and only on a few of the children is their desire to spread the gospel mentioned.  Which leads the skeptic in me to think that the others are not desiring to spread the gospel.  Seems like it would have been an easy statement to make if all of them were professed Christians. 

Just a fluff chapter for the ‘updated and expanded’ edition of this book.

[Initially Written: 3.17.09]
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Chapter 12 is titled, The Decree.

This is another short chapter, but after a wordy introduction the author gets into some meat of the chapter.  Explaining that originally the knight-hood was a pay to play role.  The poor need not apply. However over time that changed, only the sons of knights could become knights. 

That is still the same today.  The easiest path to knighthood for the sons is knighthood for the fathers.  There are exceptions, but as the author puts it; “and for every success story, there are a hundred tragedies.”  The exception is just that.  I am an exception, not the rule.

Then the following excerpt is in the book:

Every dad begins fatherhood with a distinct and awesome advantage: the unstinting admiration of his son. Wise dads, like Lee, recognize their privileged position and build upon it by modeling the message they preach to their sons. They know that words are only as strong as the source from which they arise.

Every boy adores his dad.  Are you worth adoring?  Am I worth adoring?

Then when talking about how parents as a whole, and dads specifically play as a role model, the following statement is made:

Dad, your son desires more than ideals.  He needs more than ceremonies.  His heart cries out for a father who lives like a knight; a dad who not only knows what he believes, but lives out what he believes.

That is a powerful statement.

The rest of the chapter closes in the the power of a dads life.  Just saying the right things isn’t enough.  You must live the right thing.  Reminds me of a church sign down the road from me (which is apparently an old quote from St. Francis of Assisi):

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
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Chapter 11 is titled Knighthood and the Community of Men

The first point made in this chapter is clear.  To bring your son to a proper manhood you first have to ‘clean out your own closet’.  You first have to be the man you want them to be.  The author puts the trek to manhood on a 100 point scale, giving 25 points for this.  The only other thing as important as this?  A community of men. 

The author gives three reasons for why this community is so critical:

1. Sons can sometimes dismiss what they’re hearing with the plaintive, “Oh, this is just Dad talking.” Bit it’s not just Dad talking! The community is telling him what is valuable.

2. Enlisting the community of men results in a depth of friendship that the lonely never experience. 

3. The community of men expands a son’s spiritual and moral resources.

A fairly short chapter, but it certainly gets the point across.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
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Chapter 10 is titled Commemorating a Transcendent Cause.

I think this chapter can be called the baptism chapter.  I am a believer that baptism is not just an ‘outward sign of an inward faith’ or that baptism is just obedience.  I don’t really understand why God did what he did about this, but our God is a God of ceremony.  I’ve said this for years.  Read the Bible and you see many things in life capped off with some ceremony, and they weren’t just small parts of it.  They were the topper to whatever was at the center of the ceremony. 

But this chapter basically says that you must be a part of your son’s baptism.  Let me say this now… I will not only be a part of my son’s baptism, but I will make sure it is special.  I’ve seen many baptisms over the years and let me say this.  NONE of them were good enough for MY boys. When this day comes it will be an event.  A celebration.  This will be a day captured by video camera and a still camera.  It will be something seared into the minds of all involved.  My boys will be making the decision to follow Him, and I will honor and bless that.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 9 was a continuation of chapter 8, titled “Other Manhood Ceremonies To Consider”.

Kind of a basic chapter, giving a few more points in life to recognize with a ceremony. 

1. 18th birthday.
2. 16th birthday.

Then it gave many other ways to have a ceremony.  One comment was very hard hitting, in a place where the manhood ceremony was ‘spiked’ home by the gift of a shotgun:

Jerry commented that a shotgun is a little like manhood: a powerful weapon that can be used for great good. But he also pointed out the dark side. A shotgun, when used improperly, can cause great destruction – and so it is with a man who lives only for himself.

Then the author shared another story that really choked me up, and I hope one day to be able to be a part of my grandsons ‘manhood’ ceremony.  Basically a father had set up an elaborate setup where the end was capped off with the grandfather walking the grandson to the camp.  What a vision.

A very emotional chapter to read.  In fact I am sending a note to a fellow father right now to buy this book and read this chapter, as his youngest son is coming of age.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 8, continuing on the ceremony topic covered in chapter 7 is titled, Four Key Manhood Ceremonies. 

The chapter started off with a story about Gettysburg.  How after the battle they wanted to have a ceremony to honor the soldiers, and the general practice of the day was for the keynote speaker to speak for roughly two hours and deliver a great message.  The man that was chosen was Edward Everett.  He delivered a great speech, however what is remembered from that day is a 272 word address from Abraham Lincoln.  The point being made that there are two things to remember as you walk your journey toward ceremony. 

1. This is a work in progress.  Things aren’t going to stay the same over the years.
2. Ceremonies produce surprises.

Many times what you expect to be the key moment of a ceremony ends up becoming a side point to the larger message.  Nobody would have thought that Abraham Lincoln’s message would be what is remembered.

Next the author described his family crest that he created at the beginning of his process.  Going over each element to explain what it means.

Then he went over the four stages that he laid out to have a ceremony.

1. Puberty.
2. High school graduation.
3. College Graduation (or equivalent).
4. Marriage.

Each of these provide a time to have a great life conversation with your son.

During the first phase, this is where you introduce what the next several years will look like.  This is where you give the definition of manhood and what you expect of him as he becomes a man.  Then you have to reinforce this over the years as real life situations come into play.  Now one of the benefits that the author had is that by watching their younger brother go through this journey his daughters got a picture of what a real man should look like.

High school graduation was then covered, and the author laid out the risk of this time of life.  If a clear and affirming message is not given then the opportunity to ‘get in trouble’ is great for the son.

College graduation, or an equivalent life event is when the boy becomes a man.  This time is ‘spiked’ by a gift and is when the boy becomes a man and then is involved in future manhood ceremonies.  When their brothers go through the process they are expected to participate as a man.

This chapter was filled with great practical moments.  This book rocks.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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