Cincifamily.com

So the weekend is over.  It was all that I wanted it to be, though I won’t know its full extent for many years.  Will my son, as a man my age, look back at this and remember it as life changing?  Will it impact his decisions for the next 10 years?

Now for a blow by blow recap.

Friday started off just as I wanted it to, 10AM departure.  Would mean that we should arrive in Florida around 11PM.  We got in the car, got some food and hit the road. After my son got done eating, I put in the tape series by Dr. James Dobson, Preparing for Adolescents.  It covered a wide range of topics and as I saw the notes my son was taking, I knew he was getting part of it.  I would occasionally pause it and ask some questions to make sure he wasn’t zoning out and to expand on some of the messages.  Hopefully the transformation from a boy to a teen will be made a little easier due to this tape series.  It has at least opened the line of communication for him on some touchy topics.

I will say for the road trip, it was pretty uneventful.  However I hit Atlanta at rush hour.  I have never been so intimidated by traffic as I was then.  Also if there is an economic problem, somebody needs to let them know.  I’ve never seen so many skyscrapers (relative to a md size city…) under development.  At one point I had to break my diet a bit.  Hardee’s removed all local establishments, and I just love their ‘thickburgers’… yummmm.

We got to our hotel, which leads me to a side rant.  DO NOT USE EXPEDIA!  They are awful.  They actually cost me money at this hotel.  They are good to find hotels, but verify your rates before you book through them.  I could have saved 40% had I booked directly.  The hotel we got was awful.  Smelled like ‘old folk’…

Saturday we woke up and met my cousin for breakfast.  Yet one more diet breaker… Denny’s (who also removed all local establishments).  It was fun to catch up with her and see her growing children.  She was my tour guide for the day, as she knew where we were going.  This did remind me of something though.  At our last family vacation at the Great Smokies, there was several times I was stuck behind a very slow driver in the mountains.  Every time.  EVERY TIME, it was a person from Florida.  Florida did not disappoint again, going 35 in a 55… people really need to start being retested when they hit 50 years old.  Driving is not a right!

Finally we made it to what was the ultimate reason for our trip to Florida.  My mom’s wedding.  Odd feelings about this really.  Met (and spoke to) her future husband for the first time about 20 minutes before the wedding.  I just found out about this a few weeks ago, so I’ve still not fully processed my thoughts on the subject.  A good friend of mine said something to me recently that I think relates.  He said, when discussing churches, that I am very slow to trust people and that I should just let things play out a bit.  I think this totally fits, though 13 hours separate me and her new husband, so I don’t see ways for this to change significantly.  I do hope for the best for my mom, but at 30 years old and 13 hours away, I can’t say he and I will have any serious connection anytime soon.  In the end, she’s a grown women and is plenty old enough to take care of herself!

Went to a local barbeque establishment for the after wedding celebration.  Had fun messing with my other cousin for a bit, then we headed north to our next hotel.  Made it there without incident, then I started putting my thoughts to paper and preparing for what was to be the capstone of this trip with my son.

During my research, I realized I fell backwards into a very special day (on top of the special day it was going to be for us anyways!).  Sunday was the 148th year anniversary of when the civil war started at Ft. Sumter, and April 12th, 2009 also happened to be the day that we Christians remember the rising of our Lord from the dead.  We were on very sacred ground on a very sacred day.

We woke up on Sunday at 6AM and headed North.  Again fairly uneventful drive.  We made it to the ticket office to buy two tickets on the ferry to take us to Ft. Sumter.

When we arrived a park ranger came out and told us about the day being the anniversary, and due to that they only had one flag up today.  Instead of 5 that they normally have.  It was the 38 starred flag. 

Before we started I set my son down and I had ‘the talk’ with him.  The talk about being a man.  I gave him expectations for a man and more importantly expectations for the man HE will be.  I am attaching my notes to this blog post.  I debated that, but the truth is that I know several men who ‘look up’ to me and value some of the things I am trying to do as a man.  So anything I can do to help them (or any man for that matter) will be done.

The main message I wanted him to take away from this was what was expected and that from today on, everything has changed.  No longer will I look at him as a child.  I will now look at him as a man in the making.

Then we toured the Fort and headed home.

Now while we were out my wife had her own little surprise in store.  She totally revamped his room to get rid of the childish look of it and look more like a teen’s room.  I was very impressed with it, and it didn’t cost much thanks to CraigsList.org.  I enjoyed tormenting him through the weekend about some surprise that he had waiting for him at home.

It was really fun to hang with my son and give him a lot of what I didn’t have at his age.  Every boy deserves a man in their lives to look up to.

1853.1 miles in a car with my son.  Priceless.

Today was not a good day, especially in light of the past month.

Around mid-day my wife calls me up and says that her parents want us at their house tonight.  No questions asked, just be there.

Figured it was one of three things:

1. Somebody won some money…

2. Somebody has some crazy idea…

3. Somebody is really sick or possibly dying.

Number three is somewhat confirmed by my wife’s sister so my wife is emotionally beat up all day, I get home a bit early to comfort her and be the husband I need to be.  Then our land line, which we never use, is ringing off the hook. I answered it and a lady asked for me.  Turns out the man that I count as my grandfather died quickly yesterday.  I call him up every 3 to 6 weeks to chat with him, to touch base with him and fill him in on the happenings of my busy family.  Its been a little bit since I had called him.  5 weeks ago he was apparently diagnosed with a large amount of cancer.   I regret not being able to talk to him, and his natural family was obviously more involved in their own grief then hunting down my number, though I am very thankful that I get to go to his funeral.

I’ll miss my friend. In a life with very few father figures, he was one for me.  I loved the banter we had back when Huggins was in town and I liked UC.  He was a huge UK fan and we would taught each other.  He usually won because his team was just better, but it was a fun excuse to talk to him.

So after getting the details I sat down and I cried.  The last 5 months have sucked, I’ve lost a lot.  I lost friends, I’ve lost mentors, I’ve lost a lot.  This loss though, by far hurt the most.  I honestly don’t think I’ve hurt this bad for a death in the family since my grandma died many years ago.  That death was a bit of a life moment for me it when I came to grips with a lot of things in life.  My fathers death and the death of the natural dream of a family that any young boy will have. 

I wonder what this means to me today?  What will I look back at a few years from now and say this did for me.

Not that the death of a loved one ever comes when you want it to happen, but it certainly feels like being loaded up on today.  Its been a month where I’ve had to really come to grips with the father I need to be and the men around me I need around me to make that happen.  Its been a month where another church gets put in the, ‘this isn’t going to work’ basket.  Its been a month where I have no idea what is next.

Then to top it all off, we drive to my wife’s parents house to find out what the news is. Turns out my mother-in-law has been diagnosed with stage one breast cancer.  Not a fatal diagnoses, but cancer is nothing you really want to test.  The real bad thing for this is that it is breast cancer.  My wife’s grandma died of a non-environmental cancer, and now her mom has started the battle.  It raises the odds that one day we will have to fight that battle as well. 

Not a good day, week, or month.

I hope things start to turn around because this is getting hard.

Over the past few weeks I've been considering dreams.  Not the kind of dreams you have at night but the kind of dreams you have for yourself and others. Dreams about the future of your family, dreams about the future of your church, dreams about all sorts of things. Recently I had to let a dream head toward what appears to be its death.  I won’t cover what died, as its not really appropriate for this blog at this time.

During this time of reflection I started to read a book by Robert Lewis, Raising a Modern-Day Knight.  Was one of the most painful books I've ever read.  As many faithful readers of my blog know my dad died when I was 3 years old in a house fire.  A dream that died before I ever had the know-how to dream.  Since then I have had a dream for that father figure.  That guy that is my rock, that guy that is the stabling point of my faith when I let things get to me.  The man that not only has the courage to correct me when I am wrong, but the life and deeds of his own that make me WANT to listen. That guy who is in the right proximity of my family at the right time.  I've yet to find that guy.  In a lot of ways I'm not sure that guy exists and I struggle to put that view on Jesus, I think it has to be more a community of men. 

All of that is what was covered in the book.  So while I’m kind of struggling with the death of one dream, I am reading and remembering the old death of another while getting a heavy burden about what I need to do so my children have that dream fulfilled.   I have a slew of post in mind in relation to the book by Robert Lewis and the role of a daddy.  The more I read about the importance of a daddy the more I feel unequipped personally, and woefully unequipped from a support system point of view. 

I just feel burdened, alone, and very unsure about what is next in life.  Not sure where I’d be without my wife by my side.

As a side note, Christian or not… go buy that book.  It is worth the read for any father of boys.

Had a conversation this week with a guy I've known since the 4th grade.  During grade school we were some of the best friends you could be.  The interaction of that friendship grew and shrunk over the years due to other things we were involved in, but we remained friends.  This friend knew me at a low point in life, this was back when I was going to a psychiatrist due to some family dynamic issues... this was back when I would try to commit suicide... this was back when I would steal from a local store without hesitation... I literally (literally...) lived on the wrong side of the tracks.  But this friends parents let me hang out with their family and their son.  I was able to see a life better then the poverty I was in.  I saw some functional family dynamics.  

Now that I am at a high point, he said to me; "Out of all my friends I've had you have worked the hardest to get to where you are.  You didn't have the advantages that many of my friends had, but you worked hard to get yourself out of it."  

I then tried to push it back to people like him, because it was friends like him that showed me a better life.  Poverty breeds poverty, and they showed me what you could accomplish if you moved yourself ahead in life.  I can actually name a five friends that helped me become who I am.  I am in contact with  three of them, I know the path that one of them has walked down.  Then I am not in contact with the fifth.  Two of them I consider great friends.  The one has found himself in and out of jail.  The fourth is my wife.  It was about the 8th grade where I stopped walking the line between a punk and a young man... and I can only give her credit for that... amazing what a hormone driven boy will do to impress a girl :-)

But the subject of my post, I find compliments like the one my friend gave me hard to accept.  Because it is by the grace of God that I am where I am.  Why me?  There are many others who work harder then me, but find themselves in the vicious cycle of poverty.  Why should I succeed while others fail?  How can I take the credit for what God blessed me with?  And He has blessed me.  Two of my three IT related jobs came directly from churches I have attended.  My friends parents accepted me as I was... which is challenging for me with my own children.  I see so many of their friends are me all over again. I only hope our family can be that beacon for them that my friends families were for me.

Alright, enough rambling for the night. 

Quick technical note, you're likely to get this post twice in your reader.  I've identified the bug that results in the time shifting, but a fix for this won't be implemented in my blog engine for a few more weeks.  Dealing with time zones is very hard... and since this is a version one blog, I'll have bugs like this to deal with.

Onto the topic of this post. Got the news this week that a good friend is moving up north.  He is a regular reader of this blog and a former neighbor.  Plus he is the only guy to have kept up with me for as long as he has with playing basketball.   I play basketball twice a week, pretty much every week.  I have had many friends over the years start playing basketball with me and in short time they all fall out due to the beating you take when you play.  But not this guy, he has stuck it out for some time.

This friend is unique for me.  I remember shortly after my family moved into the house we moved into, meeting him.  One of the best neighbors you could have, but he was different... mowed his lawn with a push mower.  You know one of the ones that is powered by YOU.  So that's a bit different... then I was cooking some hot dogs and burgers on the grill and offered him one as he was mowing... declined, apparently a vegetarian!  Then I think my family produces more trash in a day then this guy produces in a month.  So I picked up on the fact that he was one of those environmental guys... Al Gore's best buddies... Finally I found out what his job was.  He was a librarian... so we were friendly neighbors, but I would have never, EVER, thought to invite him to play basketball.  Then one day I was talking about how often I play and his eyes perked up and before you knew it he was joining me on a weekly basis.  And he was GOOD.  Not being weighed down with the extra 50lbs of eating meat has its advantages.  Now over time my hunches about his political stances were confirmed, to say we are on the opposite ends of the political spectrum would be an understatement!  But there is hope for him, the lady in his life is a die hard conservative as I am... so he will at least still have her to try and set him strait :-)

Now here is another interesting note about this friend... he has walked, yes walked, to cities about 2 hours away by CAR!   

But I'm bummed.  Aaron, you will be missed good friend.... and the good news is, that my knee injury has been ruled insignificant and I'll be able to play out the last few weeks of your time in this part of the country!