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So tomorrow is fathers day.  A bit of a bitter sweet holiday.  Friday is my 32nd birthday.

Two days that always put me in a state of reflection. 

When I was three years old my dad died in a house fire, so I recognize that tomorrow is never guaranteed.  I recognize that not having tomorrow would affect many more people than just me.

Every fathers day I am thankful for the fact that my children know who I am.  If I were to die today, my oldest three would have very specific and fun memories of their dad.  My youngest, not so sure.  I actually do talk to them about this at certain times.  Not to take ‘tomorrow’ for granted and to be grateful for what is a pretty functional, two-parent household.

In many ways I’m thankful for the events that happened in 1981.  It has made me who I am today.  My dad has a mixed legacy.  Some people have great memories of him, others have horrific memories of him.  Many have both… I often wonder who I’d be had my father had a part in raising me.  What would he have taught me?  How would his parenting have influenced mine?  In large part, due to the negative I have heard about, I am thankful that I started my fatherhood with a clean slate.  I had no example on how to be a dad.  I’ve truly been winging it for 13 years.  Looking at my friends and seeing how they behave as dads.  Trying to take what is good and impress that upon my children. 

As I sat here in a period of reflection, Danny Gokey’s music video came on TV.  “My Best Days Are Ahead of Me.”  God willing, my best days are ahead of me.

I’m old enough to look back on life and see what I’ve done right and what I’ve done wrong.  I’m young enough to look forward and dream about another 40+ years of life. As I get to watch my parenting come to fruition as my children move onto adult hood.  Where they will choose a career, a spouse, and hopefully a grounding in the Christian faith.  I know the importance of daddy.  I know that what I do to them will influence the decisions they make then.  I dream about watching my 13 year old father my grandchildren.  My 12 year old loving her husband and nurturing my grandchildren.  My 9 year old… my ball of fire, refining that energy into a laser focus to what he focuses on in life.  My 5 year old growing up with an appreciation for what he has due to a string of events that happened when he was just 5 months old.  I envision celebrating a marriage that has lasted 50+ years at a time when marriage of 10 years are rare, much less 50. I dream about the great victories.  I dream about, through being a foster parent, what children will come through our doors and I will be their daddy, if only for a temporary moment in time. I have a healthy respect and fear for the unknown.  I know that anything can  happen today that changes those dreams dramatically. 

So here’s to dreaming about the future.

There are two life changing moments in my life.  Once, when my wife and I were baptized.  But before that, was when our son was born.

We were two young children, having a child.  Life was forever different, exactly 13 years ago from the date of this post.

Our little baby, that has grown up with his parents, is now officially a teenager. 

Life was so uncertain, there was no telling where this young family would go.  There was no real reason to believe we’d last.  That this little baby would have any real hope for a future. 

Yet, here we are.  Some children in our position use their age as an excuse.  They would do stupid things and in the end, the loser is everybody.  Yet, but the grace of God we survived.  We moved forward and onward.  We were blessed along the way.  We made good choices along the way.  We got lucky along the way.  We messed up along the way.  Yet, here we are.

This baby is now the heart of our family.  He is an amazing son, whom I am proud to be his dad.  Its been a fun 13 years, and I am looking forward to the adventure that will be the next 13.

Happy Birthday Son!

This post is a bit belated, as I generally like to post this a few days before the end of the year. 

To wrap 2009 up in a few words, “IT SUCKED!”

The year started off with great hope, as we were getting ready to work for our next daughter.  We were ready for the adventure that would await.  We ended up getting our daughter and it was tough.  It was very hard, but we were committed to the long haul and making her life the best it could be.  But all of that abruptly ended in November.  The time with her will forever paint 2009 for our family.  Dear Jasmine, we still miss you.

Sprinkled throughout the year were a lot of other bad moments.  Two were thrown upon us in 2 hours time.

We had gotten a call to go to a family members house for an important discussion, we knew that this was likely a serious illness.  Likely cancer.  As we were getting ready to go to this family members house I answered the phone, it was a long time ‘friend’ Howard’s daughter.  Telling me that Howard had died.  Howard was a 74 year old man that I talked to every 4 to 6 weeks to touch base with him.  I always saw him as a grandfather figure, my wife and his wife describe it as a father/son relationship.  He had a month long fight with cancer, and in all their rush to battle the cancer they couldn’t find my number to let me know.  So I never got to have that final conversation with my dear friend.  Then we went to the family members house and found out that this family member had breast cancer.

That family member is OK as far as I have been told, but I still miss my friend Howard.  I think about him often.

This year also had a few spats with the local law.  I got a $170 ticket that was the most bogus ticket I’ve ever gotten.  I will never respect the law enforcement agencies again.  I wait for my call to jury duty, as I will be very honest and let them know that I will make anybody I have to judge… innocent.  So I doubt they’ll let me serve. Then we got some citations for not having our dog’s properly registered.  Didn’t even know we had to register them.  A warning would have been sufficient, but in a year where budgets are hurting the government does what the government does best… fine you.

We had yet another church fail.  This one was particularly hard to swallow.  Overall, really a good church fit for my family.  But their Elder said something whole fully inaccurate to my wife, and when I confronted him on it (Matthew 18), he basically called her a liar.  I have a low tolerance for leaders like that.  I can deal with regular members, but when the leadership is that screwed up it is time to leave.

And one of the worst things of all, Barack Obama was elected.  That may seem extreme, but his policies and the way he has done business has the great potential of destroying America.  We can’t spend like he is spending.  We couldn’t spend like Bush was spending, and he is making Bush look like an child.

Now, there were some good things in the year.  I did take a new job.  I had a memorable trip with my oldest son.  We went to Disney as a family.  It is never all bad, but this year certainly wasn’t fun.

Look at these numbers from a recent Barna Research Study.  It does at least show that born again republican evangelical (people like me) have divorce rates slightly lower then others... however its kind of like being the tallest midget.  Or the winner in the race to the bottom :-/

This is a bit of a long post, but if you read anything... scroll down to the bold section and read it... 

I've not commented much on the latest book I've been reading:

How To Really Love Your Children by Ross Campbell, M.D.

It is actually two books in one:
How to Really Love Your Child - focused on pre-teen and younger.
How to Really Love Your Teenager - focused on teenagers (duh!)

I have just finished the first half, and its been an OK book.  A few things I really like, a few things I violently disagree with.

It goes over how to love your child with eye contact, physical contact, and focused attention.  Then it goes over why a child acts out and such.  

Now one thing that this book did go over kind of changed (or at least made me recognize this as what I believe) my mind.  Basically if a child has discipline issues, it is your job to love them out of it.  When I read this I related it to church.  I've always said that a church should bend over backwards to try and help a person that needs it.  Because the church as a whole is better than the individual person.  I think this fits with children and parents as well.  A parent usually is much better than the child, and if you can try more to help the child then you should.  It isn't up to them to just obey, its up to you to get them to obey.  

However I didn't like how it put, what seemed like, all the burden on the parents for what their children do.  One comment that was made was:
I have never known of one sexually disoriented person who had a warm, loving, and affectionate father.

I thought that was an unfair burden to put on the father... so I emailed a good friend of mine who has a homosexual brother.  This good friend has always talked about how he and his dad did things together as children, and even today they seem pretty close.  Was honestly caught off guard by the answer my friend gave me because it kind of confirmed this statement.  Still think its an unfair statement, but I guess there has to be a lot of truth to it. I'm sure there are many exceptions.

If you read anything, read this!!!

The last part I liked was in the last chapter of part one.  The last chapter is titled:  "Helping Your Child Spiritually"

I am just going to quote part of it:
At this point, let's examine a popular misconception.  It goes something like this: "I want my child to learn to make his own decisions after he is exposed to everything. He shouldn't feel he has to believe what I believe.  I want him to learn about different religions and philosophies; then when he has grown up he can make his own decision."

This parent is copping out or else is grossly ignorant of the world we live in.  a child brought up in this manner is indeed one to be pitied. Without continual guidance and clarification in ethical, moral, and spiritual matters, he will become increasingly confused about his world.  There are reasonable answers to many of life's conflicts and seeming contradictions. One of the finest gifts parents can give a child is a clear, basic understanding of the world and its confusing problems.  Without this stable base of knowledge and understanding, is it any wonder many children cry to their parents, "Why didn't you give me a meaning for all this?  What's it all about?"

<Skip a page and a half or so>

There is a lot of truth in the old statement, "Experience is the best teacher." Let him share in yours.  The sooner a child learns to trust God, the stronger he will become.

Couldn't have put it better myself! 

Checked out Foxnews.com today to see the following blurb down at the bottom.There is a post I’ve been wanting to make here, and this prompted me to make a midday post about it.

I think we has a society have lost the ability to have a tough conversation. When somebody says something we don’t agree with we call them mean or intolerant. Sometimes we question their wisdom or maturity. All of those are really thought stopping replies to squash the conversation. I think this is the core reason why churches have started to slip into doctrinally unsafe areas and is a solid contributer to divorces. Churches are afraid of being called mean or intolerant so they are afraid to call sin what it is. Sin. It is against the will of God. The end result being that sin isn’t sin, but just a different way of life. In marriages, couples find it easier to leave than to sit down and work it out (in a sometimes heated way) through conversation. Talking is hard, but the consequences of not talking will be even harder to deal with.

I think this is one thing that causes me trouble with churches. I’m honestly not afraid to have the tough conversation. Because I know at the end of the conversation both I and the person I’m talking to will be closer to what Christ wants from us. They at times think I’m mean or intolerant, but generally they look down on my wisdom or maturity. Thats life. I’m OK with that.

This is actually one thing I have really liked about the Batavia Church of Christ, when my family and I first went there we were ignored. I can’t put it in a positive light… it was bad. So I got in touch with their minister and then the person who heads the welcoming ministry. I shared my thoughts and they accepted them very willingly. They didn’t take it as an attack, because it wasn’t. They took it as a guy wanting what was best for BCC and more importantly the people who walk through their doors.

Another church that was a very good example of this is the Loveland Christian Church. I visited their a few months back because I’m friends with a few of their staff members and I wanted to see how their welcoming ministry was. We walked into a crowded room and were spotted by a person and then taken to the children’s check in area… that was such a bad experience. When you have four children to sign it that can be a burden. So I emailed my friends and let them know what I thought of it, and they were VERY appreciative of some true and honest feedback. They tell me its fixed… one of these days I’ll go there and find out. Again they could have taken it as an attack, but they took it as a chance to improve.

We, especially we as a church, need to learn to be able to have a tough conversation and to take some critiques from people that may even annoy you. Because if they took the courage to say something then it must be important to them.

This has been on my mind for some time and I’ve only now had the time to put my thoughts to pen.

God or Satan? Who is to blame when things don’t go well compared to our plans?

I’ve actually seen this in every church I’ve been a member in, things go bad and its obviously Satan working against us because things are just not going awesome.

But is it obviously Satan or obviously God? OK, before I even crack open my Bible to give this some credibility I say its obviously God. What??? Yes that is what I said. If things don’t go like you want them I put the ‘blame’ on God.

God is the beginning and the end. The alpha and omega. He is the great I AM. Without God nothing is possible, with God everything is possible.

When it came to Job the devil had to get permission to harm Job in any way. However the scriptures that stick out to me are:

Romans 8: 31b-32:
If God is for us, who can be against us? 32He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?

Acts 5: 38b-39
For if their purpose or activity is of human origin, it will fail. 39But if it is from God, you will not be able to stop these men; you will only find yourselves fighting against God.”

If God is for something it will not fail. If God is against it then it may fail and I think people would serve God well by not blaming Satan, but by asking themselves what are thing doing against God’s will!

I think with this approach you look much less arrogant and you will only improve your ‘failing’ or ‘struggling’ effort. You can always improve to be closer to God’s will. If you think not, then think deep because you have just exposed the root of your problem.

Why adultery (emotional or physical) makes no sense. Some events of the past few months made me think about a couple that was once close to my family. This family fell apart, both husband and wife committed adultery. This then made me think about why adultery makes no sense.

First off I want to define adultery as a bit more then one where you sleep around. Jesus defined even lust as adultery. But I just want to define it as making a connection (either emotionally or sexually) with another person, especially one where you wouldnt feel comfortable with your spouse looking on. Ive had several girl friends over the years, and this was always the test I would use. If I felt ashamed involving my wife in the friendship then it isnt healthy.

But onto my main topic, why adultery makes no sense:

1. Your view of the other person is not complete.
You dont really know the other person, and they dont know you. You have an ideal picture of that person. Where as your spouse you have a whole picture. You know their negatives very well. The negatives tend to overshadow the positives because they hurt so much.

2. If they would cheat with you, they would cheat on you.
Think about it, they have already shown that a vow of marriage or a relationship has little value to them. So what happens when their view of you becomes more complete, and they start seeing your negatives over your positives? They will find somebody else, and move on. Then at this point, you are without your first relationship and without your second one. And you probably lost a lot of friends along the way who were disgusted by your behavior.

So what is the solution? Work on your current relationship. If you have already gone down this path, confess it. The truth is that most spouses will forgive adultery the first time around (and many times after that really). But a relationship built on a lie isnt worth having anyways. Plus the other person probably knows they didnt help the situation. Everybody in a relationship generally has some part in a broken relationship. If you havent gone down this path, then do whatever it takes to turn your relationship around.

Ive seen the devastating effects of divorce on families. Ive seen the children have their lives turned upside down.

When it comes to how Christians choose what friends to have I see us as having two dynamics we must take into consideration. And if you’ve enjoyed my last two post, take the time to read this entire post I have some good stuff near the bottom.

1. Bad company corrupts good character.
Are your friends a good influence on you? Would you include your strong Christian friends in when you are around this “bad” friend? Or would you be embarrassed to take them with you? Do your friends make you a more wholesome person? Do they make you more Christ like (and even your non-Christian friends can make you more Christ like, more on that later). In the end you need to look at your conscience. If you would feel fine standing up at church and showing everybody what you did with this friend, then your probably fine. But if you would be ashamed to share the events of the time with them, then you’re probably in an unhealthy relationship for you. The next place you need to evaluate is how it affects your family and close friends. If your friends make the people who are close to you uncomfortable, then they probably see something you don’t. They generally know you better than you know yourself. And if your married you really need to put your spouses feelings above your own. If a friend really makes your spouse uncomfortable, then love them. Let that friend go. Now the balance here is to make sure you’re not enabling a jealous attitude. When in doubt ask some of your other Christian friends. See if they have the same hesitation about that friendship, at that point your spouse is probably on to something you don’t see.

2. We need to “Get God on the sinners.”
We need to hang around sinners to spread God to them. The questions you have to ask yourself here are something like: Am I able to hold to my convictions while around this person? Do you call them higher, instead of them pulling you lower? If your character or moral convictions aren’t quite strong enough to counter the life style of this friend then you need to protect yourself and pull away from that friendship.

The couple I referenced in an earlier post had an issue like this. The wife started going to the bar after work with her friends. But she didn’t have the moral conviction to do this. The end result was a pregnancy from an adulterous relationship! I still remember the call I got from this friend like it was yesterday. She had to confess it to somebody, to get it out in the light. I remember sitting down with this couple and a few friends and her having to tell her husband that she was pregnant. They had other children that just had their lives ruined. And I know somebody reading this is saying, this isn’t me. I am different. But it is you, you are not different. Satan is smarter than all of us, he knows our weakness’ and strengths. Don’t think you can outsmart him. And frankly who knows, God may be allowing Satan to have his way with you as he did to Job. God may be teaching you a lesson for living outside of his will. But with God inside you, you are greater than satan.

I know some of you are thinking I am saying you can’t have fun, FAR from it! If you can go to a bar or club as a designated driver and be Jesus to them then do it, I am not even opposed to the occasional drink. Be that example, show that you can go to a bar or club and have some fun and not get drunk in the process.

Now then there are some places a Christian just shouldn’t go. But by saying no you are standing up for Jesus, and what he did on a cross. I remember at my first job I was a young Christian, and I worked in a very rough factory. The people were just lacking morals. At first I got invited to many things (either overtly asking, or by including me in a conversation as things were planned), from strip clubs to doing drugs. But I said no. I told them why I couldn’t go, and eventually the invitations stopped coming. But you know what replaced those invitations, was conversations about my God. By not joining them in their activities it allowed me to get some God on them later on. Had I followed along, I would have lost that chance. What chances to spread God’s message are you losing? Are you helping your friends’ path to hell?

So think about your friends and ask three questions:
1. Do they make me a better person in the eyes of God?
2. Do I make them a better person in the eyes of God?
3. Do I put God in a good light when I am around this person?

If you answer no to any of these, then you know what you need to do. That friendship isn’t healthy for you go find some friends that can at least make the answers to 1 and 3 into YES.

Being content in life.
A warning from the start. This is a long blog, but worth the read if you are finding life a little disappointing.

A few months ago, Apple gave away a free song from a singer named Ashley Monroe called “Satisfied.” The song really makes a good point in life.

It talks about how nobody seems to ever be satisfied with the mate they have, and they keep looking on to the next best option. Or they live miserable in their current relationship. So I want to go over three scriptures and then I will have a conclusion at the bottom (be sure to read that).

But the great book of the Bible gives us three scriptures that deal directly with contentment.

1. Philippians 4:11-13
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.

What a great scripture. I couldn’t have put it better, really our life outside of Christ is just icing on the cake. God is enough to help you do everything.

2. 1 Timothy 6:6-10
But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into the world, and we can take nothing out of it. But if we have food and clothing, we will be content with that. People who want to get rich fall into temptation and a trap and into many foolish and harmful desires that plunge men into ruin and destruction. For the love of money is a root of all kinds of evil. Some people, eager for money, have wandered from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs.

Now this scripture mainly deals with money, but can easily be applied to other areas in life. Maybe its another relationship, job, or church family. Put those items in their, what does it lead to? Ruin and destruction.

3. Hebrews 13:4-5a
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have,

BINGO! Look at the first scripture, it talks about the marriage bed being kept pure and then contentment. I wonder if this ties into sleeping around for a better spouse. Some women (and in the Jewish culture it would have to be a women here) I am sure tried to climb the social ladder, just as they do now because they weren’t content in their current situation.

So what do we have here? A call to contentment; I’ve seen this in my own life. I had my children young (18 years old, and 3 by time I was 23). I had to let go of a life of partying and hanging out for all hours. I had to accept my role as a father and a husband. I had to learn to be content with this, knowing that the call to be a father and a husband has a much greater reward than any night out could ever offer. As I see my children and wife (and myself) grow in love and in the Lord, it makes me smile. Just last year we were given a baby boy. This child has brought out the best part of my family. All of us has accepted him as our own, and now my family would feel incomplete without him around.

So yes I had to let go of what could have been, but embrace what is. That embracement has changed my life, I could have been a bitter man and ended up divorced ruining the lifes of 4 people, and also ruining the chance for redemption that our new baby boy now has in our home. So ask yourself, what would you “ruin and destroy” as the second scripture states, if you followed your desires? Would it be worth it? Could you tell the folks you would ruin and destroy that you chose that desire over them? Could you live with the consequences? The consequences can be harsh. I have a friend who’s dad has chosen a desire over her. Their relationship is forever changed. Think about your life, have you had somebody close to you choose desire over you? How is that relationship now? Do you want to do the same to others?

Learn to get your joy out of your current situation, it is there you just have to change the way you look at it.