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You’ve been on my mind a lot lately.  We should be celebrating or finalizing your adoption right now.  Heard some news about you today, and I’m conflicted on my feelings.  I pray it turns out to be something very special for you.  I pray history isn’t repeated for you. 

I look forward to the day our paths cross again.  I hope the story I hear is one of redemption and greatness and not one of pain and desperation. 

I fight great anger toward the people that took you from us.  I hope you know how much you are loved and missed.  I doubt you do, but you are loved and missed. 

Don’t have much more to say today.  More at a loss for words, I just know that I’m thinking of you.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the seventh post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

This post is a bit belated, as I generally like to post this a few days before the end of the year. 

To wrap 2009 up in a few words, “IT SUCKED!”

The year started off with great hope, as we were getting ready to work for our next daughter.  We were ready for the adventure that would await.  We ended up getting our daughter and it was tough.  It was very hard, but we were committed to the long haul and making her life the best it could be.  But all of that abruptly ended in November.  The time with her will forever paint 2009 for our family.  Dear Jasmine, we still miss you.

Sprinkled throughout the year were a lot of other bad moments.  Two were thrown upon us in 2 hours time.

We had gotten a call to go to a family members house for an important discussion, we knew that this was likely a serious illness.  Likely cancer.  As we were getting ready to go to this family members house I answered the phone, it was a long time ‘friend’ Howard’s daughter.  Telling me that Howard had died.  Howard was a 74 year old man that I talked to every 4 to 6 weeks to touch base with him.  I always saw him as a grandfather figure, my wife and his wife describe it as a father/son relationship.  He had a month long fight with cancer, and in all their rush to battle the cancer they couldn’t find my number to let me know.  So I never got to have that final conversation with my dear friend.  Then we went to the family members house and found out that this family member had breast cancer.

That family member is OK as far as I have been told, but I still miss my friend Howard.  I think about him often.

This year also had a few spats with the local law.  I got a $170 ticket that was the most bogus ticket I’ve ever gotten.  I will never respect the law enforcement agencies again.  I wait for my call to jury duty, as I will be very honest and let them know that I will make anybody I have to judge… innocent.  So I doubt they’ll let me serve. Then we got some citations for not having our dog’s properly registered.  Didn’t even know we had to register them.  A warning would have been sufficient, but in a year where budgets are hurting the government does what the government does best… fine you.

We had yet another church fail.  This one was particularly hard to swallow.  Overall, really a good church fit for my family.  But their Elder said something whole fully inaccurate to my wife, and when I confronted him on it (Matthew 18), he basically called her a liar.  I have a low tolerance for leaders like that.  I can deal with regular members, but when the leadership is that screwed up it is time to leave.

And one of the worst things of all, Barack Obama was elected.  That may seem extreme, but his policies and the way he has done business has the great potential of destroying America.  We can’t spend like he is spending.  We couldn’t spend like Bush was spending, and he is making Bush look like an child.

Now, there were some good things in the year.  I did take a new job.  I had a memorable trip with my oldest son.  We went to Disney as a family.  It is never all bad, but this year certainly wasn’t fun.

It has again been a few weeks since I’ve written.  Again, remember it is not because we aren’t thinking of you.  We think of you daily, and really hourly.  I just can’t put it all out here on the blog, so I limit when I give you a public shout out.

Val wrapped up your Christmas presents.  Since you got pulled so close to the holidays, we want to make sure you are taken care of.  I am sure you will love your gifts and I hope it brings a smile to your face.  I hope some of it is kept for the years so you have it as a keep sake for the family you weren’t allowed to have. 

We have recently found out that you are going to get another foster home.  The one you are at now is getting out of foster care, and you lose because of it.  I think the system has given up on finding you a family and is just looking for you to have a home.  There is a differences.  Understand that you do have a family.  We are here for you.  I don’t know what that means in the future, but I know it will mean something.

As a family we are forced to move forward, and I really hope things get easier as the days go on.  We still have some pretty rough days.  You are loved and missed.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the sixth post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

Its been a while since I’ve wrote you, but please know its not because you aren’t on our minds and heart. 

I think about you often during the normal course of a day.  I emailed Darlene today, we have some Christmas gifts for you and I hope they let me give them to you.  It will be hard to see you and talk to you.  It has been nearly a month since we’ve talked.  Hard to believe. 

I think I’m to the next stage of grief, I don’t get way down anymore.  Just sad, though that may be because I try not to ponder on it for to long because I know I’d wallow in the sadness of it all if I did.  Val on the other had does get pretty down at times.  We miss you.  We wish you would have never left us.

I wonder what is going through your head.  I wonder how you feel about things.  I’m mixed on what I hope you are feeling.  At one level, I hope you are missing us greatly.  Though at the next level, I hope your child sized brain can’t grasp this and you are blissfully ignorant and just living life as a ten year old would. 

I hope the holiday’s are treating you well.  I miss you.  You will forever be my daughter, even if you are not.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the fifth post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

Dear Jasmine,
It’s Thanksgiving.  Today and the past few I’ve seen a lot of the blogs I read and people I am connected to on Facebook and Twitter talk about what they are thankful for.  While I am thankful for a lot in my life it is hard to express that right now.  I feel very guilty knowing that my life will be just fine.  Val, myself and the children will move on but you can’t. 

I’m sure, you being the child you are have moved on in a lot of ways from a surface point of view.  I’m sure you are doing things that you can’t verbalize as reacting to being pulled but I’m sure the adults around you see it.  If you are sad and upset, I’m so sorry.  I wish it were different.

I hear you are going back to your old school on Monday.  I hope you make some good friends and kick some butt in school. 

I wish people knew how much we miss you and our family is hurting.  Especially Val.  She loved you greatly and she feels so bad for you.  I hope that when our paths do cross again in the future you have a glowing report about how awesome you are doing.  However, I do want to make this very clear.  Even if you have made great mistakes in life, PLEASE DO NOT hide from us.  We’ll work through it.  Val and I made our share of mistakes as teenagers, and we’ve worked it out real well.  It’s never too late.

Today we put up our Christmas tree, and an ornament with your name is on our tree.  It will remain on our tree until we die.  You are part of our family, and you belong there.

I hope you’ve had a great Thanksgiving.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the fourth post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

Wow tonight was tough.  Darlene showed up to get your stuff.  I sure hope she knows what she is doing because I have great fear for what your future will hold. 

Watching a 6’2 235 pound man break down in tears should stick in Darlene’s mind for many years to come. 

It was hard to know that all of that stuff defined you in our family and it was over.  I sent a letter with Darlene, I don’t know if she will deliver it to you.. but I hope so.  I also sent you the picture that sat on my desk at work since June.  It was the first picture we took of you and our other four children.  Also made sure that your Disney necklace was in the envelope with the letter, and finally I sent two CD’s with all of the pictures we had of you.  It was good to look through those pictures to see you smiling and having fun with our family. 

Please remember, it was not our choice to have you leave.  It was the choice of two people and I really think it was the biggest mistake they could have ever made.  I hope you take the words in my letter to heart and defy the situation you have found yourself in and be the superstar we know you can be.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the third post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

Dear Jasmine,
Today has probably been the ‘best’ day we have had since you have been gone.  “Moving on” brings such guilt as we know you can’t move on.  You are stuck.  However we know that we must move on as a family.  I have a great confidence that you will be in our life again in the future and we need to be a healthy family ready to help our lost daughter.

Tomorrow is going to be a tough day for me as I will be loading your belongings in Darlene’s truck.  It will be tough in many ways, because I will officially be loading up your stuff and because I don’t have much desire to interact with Darlene.  Though I hope this works itself out over time, or there will be zero chance that I get to see you intermittently over the next few years. 

When a sad song comes on or when I sit and think about you for any amount of time I break down in tears.  I am so sorry that you have lost your forever family just two weeks before Thanksgiving and six weeks before Christmas.

I couldn’t sleep Saturday morning so I woke up at 4:45AM and wrote you a letter.  I don’t know if Darlene will deliver it to you, but I will give it to her.  Then I spent part of Saturday going through all of our digital pictures and I’m going to miss your smile.  I hope you get the ability to look at the pictures on the CD I will be sending to you. 

I still don’t understand how we lost you.  It was tough for you and us, but we were all committed to each other and I know that we would have won out over your past.  Though I hope, even with this set back, that you still win out over your past.  Look forward my girl, be the star we know you can be.

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. This is the second letter I have written to you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.

Dear Jasmine,

November 19, 2009 is a day I may never forget.  I don’t understand what happened over the last six days, where you went from being the fifth Klopfstein child to being a foster child all over again.

I have great confidence that one day you will read this.  The world is getting smaller and finding me won’t be hard. I know you’ll look when you get older.

At 11:50 AM my phone rang from the number ‘513’.  I knew that was CPS, I knew they were calling for one of two reasons.  To either give us another hoop to jump through to get our girl back or to tell us you weren’t coming back.  As you certainly know, you never came back.  I want you to know that we fought hard for you.  We completely disagree with what the system has done to you and to be honest I know that even some in the system do not agree with what has taken place. 

I want you to know that regardless of what happens to you over the next 8 to 10 years of your life, you were wanted.  We wanted you to be a Klopfstein and you will be dearly missed.  We had dreams for you, and I hope those dreams are still with you.

I will never forget you and I hope you will never forget me.  You were my daughter and I hurt knowing the pain you WILL go through over the next few weeks and months.  I pray that one day the system finds you not only a home, but a family.  I’m deeply saddened that we will be celebrating Thanksgiving and Christmas without you here. 

You have certainly been told a watered down version of what happened over the past six days, and I’m sure much has been rationalized away.  But please know, I love you and miss you greatly.  You were removed for fears of what ‘may’ happen as you got older, I am broken because of what I know will happen to you as a result of this.

Whenever you find this, please feel free to contact me.  Tell me how your doing.  I pray that its a glowing report and you are rocking the world with all that we know you are capable of. 

I’m so sorry that the world has let you down so far in life.  If it were my choice things would have been different. 

Your dad (if even for only 5 months),
Clarence

P.S. I don’t know when or how you will find this, but this is the first post directed toward you.  It will not be the last.  There will be days when I am thinking of you and I will send a shout out to you.  I’m so sad for me, but it is nothing in comparison to what I feel for you.