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Chapter 6 is titled, A Transcendent Cause.

The chapter starts off talking about the battle of of Peleliu in 1944.  It is a battle that many historians have declared irrelevant.  Talking about how hard this was for the veterans to be relegated as irrelevant.  Talking about how men have to have a point in their life, a transcendent cause.

Next the author talks about the conventional vision of manhood, with five celebrated characteristics.

1. It paints a one-dimensional picture, equating manhood with a “position.”
2. His value is earned; therefore he becomes highly competitive.
3. Success is the goal – often at the expense of one’s marriage, one’s children, and meaningful, close relationships.
4. The reward of conventional manhood is power, chiefly in the marketplace.
5. If a man becomes successful in this plan, he enjoys personal wealth and affluence.

Then the author wraps this up with a pretty good paragraph:

The problem with this conventional model of manhood is not that it is wrong, but that it is incomplete. As a part of life, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career and success and all the trappings (minus the concubines!) that go with it. The problem is in thinking this is all of life when, in fact, it is only a part.

The bigger part is having a transcendent cause. A transcendent cause is defined as having three characteristics:

* Truly heroic
* Timeless
* Supremely Meaningful

However we as parents have not been giving our sons this, which I think is summed up best with the following statement:

We give our sons good things, but not the best things.

Next the author went to share a personal story between a friend and a stranger on an airplane.  The stranger shared a lot of his story and the friend saw how this guy had a burden for his failures as a father and then he asked the stranger if his dad ever said he was proud of you.  The stranger said no, so then the friend went on to tell him what is good about him by his story.  The stranger wiped a tear from his eye. Now what makes this story interesting was the day I read this for the first time I went to a men’s group meeting and around the end of the meeting a fellow guy there basically said the same to me.  Meant a lot to me to hear those words of affirmation.  Which also is a theme to this book, that we need that affirmation and we need to GIVE that affirmation to others.  Not to be afraid to cheer on our fellow men.

Finally the chapter wraps up with why Jesus is that transcendent cause.

1. Jesus Christ is truly heroic.
2. Jesus Christ is timeless.
3. Jesus Christ is supremely meaningful.

Overall a very good chapter to read.

[Initially Written: 3.1.2009]
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Chapter 5 is tilted, A Code of Conduct.

The chapter starts by talking about what having a code of conduct would look like in life by sharing two stories.  The first of himself when he got caught cheating in school.  The teacher said to him, “You are who you are when nobody is looking.” Then a story about a friend who was fishing with his dad, caught a large bass two hours before bass season.  His dad made him throw it back.  That lesson was something neither boy ever forgot.

Next he talked about the changing moral climate, with a great quote from William Kilpatrick:

Parents cannot, as they once did, rely on the culture to reinforce home values. In fact, they can expect that many of the cultural forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.

Wow.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put better.

In keeping with the theme of the book the author then went through what the code of conduct was for a knight.

1. Be loyal.
2. Conduct himself like a champion.
3. Win the love of women.
4. Practice generosity.

Violating this oath resulted in a charge of treason!

The author then gave 10 things that could be considered the Christian code of conduct:

1. Loyalty.
2. Servant-leadership.
3. Kindness.
4. Humility.
5. Purity.
6. Honesty.
7. Self-discipline.
8. Excellence.
9. Integrity.
10. Perseverance

All of this raises the question, how does a father train a child to have such a code of conduct?  The author gives these suggestions:

1. A father must set a Godly example.
2. A father must teach spiritual truth.
3. A father should share stories.
4. A father reinforces through affirmation, attention, and discipline.  With great stress on the first two.

Next the author offers a bit of wisdom in how to train a child.  Many parents make the mistake of trying to live their dream through their son, when they should really push their sons toward their individual bent. I’ve had to deal with this myself.  I love to play basketball and don’t care much for baseball.  What do my son’s enjoy playing?  Baseball.  I’ve had to let them (and support them) do their own thing and let it produce the fruit it produces.

Finally the author closes the chapter telling us what it means to love and honor women.  How a knight was expected to rescue the damsel in distress.  Protecting women was a special expectation of the knight hood.

[Initially Written: 2.28.2009]
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Chapter 4 is titled, A Vision For Manhood.

It starts with a story about rival knights one when one died, the other praised him because of how he lived.  So the author then went into why this dead knight was praised by even his enemies, and he talked about the process that made him so well known.  The life he lived. The author talks about how this knight became a man because he had a clear vision of what a man was. 

Summarizing it with this quote:

Boys become men in the presence of a clear vision for manhood.

The question is then asked, “Where can a young man find a healthy, masculine identity – a vision for manhood – in today’s culture?”

Source 1: Community

Source 2: Family

Source 3: Church

Next the author talks about Adam and Jesus.  Two defining men in the Bible.  He then goes to define authentic manhood by comparing the differences between these two men.

1. A Real man rejects passivity.

2. A Real man accepts responsibility.

3. A Real man leads courageously.

4. A Real man expects the greater reward.

Over all a very good chapter about what becoming a man takes, and what being a man means.  I have to say that even while re-reading this today I feel I’m a real man, but I am feeling passive about a decision in my family and I’m afraid to leave courageously toward what I think God is calling me to do.  I accept responsibility for my life and I do expect a greater reward, but am I willing to lead courageously again?

[Initially Written: 2.22.2009]
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Chapter 3 is titled, The Drift of Sons. 

The chapter opens up with a story about Jeffry Dahmer and his dad’s reaction to a desire to explore his brain after he was killed in prison.  The dad didn’t want it done, he knew that he failed as a dad and blamed himself. 

The author makes the following claim:

When Dad is absent, boys begin to sink into themselves. They begin to drift.

Then he makes the following of statement, to which I couldn’t agree more with:

Our culture is convulsing today because, in the words of David Blankenhorn, we have undertaken a social experiment “of the most daring and untested design. It [fatherlessness] represents a radical departure from virtually all human history and experience.” Only fathers can halt the drift of the sons.

Next he brings out Proverbs 17:6:

“Grandchildren are the crown of old men, and the glory of sons is their fathers.”

Am I a glory to my sons?

Next he goes into what it means to be a glory to your sons.  “My dad is stronger than your dad.”  Kind of says it all, you don’t hear similar comparisons between children about their moms.  Just dad.  Children want a strong dad.  The author gave hope, as there is a bit of a dad revolution.  Being Dad is coming back.  Dad is refilling his role in the house, and if it sticks there is hope.

Then he said the one thing that hit me the hardest in this book.

We’re giving our sons good things, but not the best things.

Hanging out with our children at their baseball games is good.  But teaching them Biblical wisdom is best.

I need to give my children the best things in life and not just let life happen.    So do you.

[Initially Written: 2.22.2009]
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Chapter 2 is titled, The invisible Dad.  A story about the authors father.

It opens up with a quote that I love:

The most urgent domestic challenge facing the United States at the close of the twentieth century is the re-creation of fatherhood as a vital social role for men.

The authors dad was a drunk and he got stuck many times in between his fathers problems and other members of the family.  A very telling quote:

You swallow a lot of pain when at 15 you tell your dad not to come out of his room until your friends are gone. You swallow a lot of pain hiding car keys or disposing of hidden whiskey bottles before the weekend comes. You swallow a lot of pain refereeing fights to make sure no one gets injured.

Must have been tough for him.  He then went on to cover the story of his dad’s redemption.  One night Robert Lewis was at a gathering of Christians and the question came up about that one prayer you want answered.  He said it was for his father to come to Christ, though he had rebuffed him many times over the years.  That very night his dad in a drunken stupor shoved his wife (the authors mom) as he walked out of the house after an argument.  The mom fell and hit her head on a table, breaking her neck.  She layed there for hours until she was able to get some help.  The dad didn’t know about it until he got to work the next day, having not gone home.  As he was told he had a heart attack and ended up in the hospital.  The author quickly flew to the hospital where both parents were.  He went in to visit his dad, groggy from drugs.  His dad didn’t know who he was, but begin to confess all the bad things he did and brag about his preacher son.  The conversation continued and the dad realized he was talking to his son.  That was the beginning of the dad’s faith journey.  At age 70!

Now what I love about this redemption story is the dad’s reaction to the mom.  He knew he didn’t deserve anything from her.  If she wanted to leave him, that is what he deserved.   Here is the story from the book:

Dad moved out of the home for a year and pledged to earn his way back. He finally began to accept responsibility for is life. He gave up drinking, received professional counseling, and worked to regain Mom’s trust. Eventually he did return home.

That is an example of a person who gets how bad their sin was.    I’ve seen the person in this situation have a fake sorrow, this though was a person with Godly sorrow.

Finally the chapter closes with wrapping up the damage an invisible dad can cause.  The curse it puts on the children.  He closes with this statement and question, which I will close with as well:

I intend to use my hurt for their gain. I intend to make sure the curse of the Invisible Dad goes no further than me.

How about you?

How about you?

[Initially Written 2.15.2009]
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I was so moved by this book that I want to touch on it chapter by chapter. So I will be reading it again, and as I finish each chapter I will put my thoughts to post.

The introduction starts with a story, where a father sits drinking his morning coffee and he sees his son in a new light.  Not the light of a boy, but the fact that the boy is growing up.

I had such a moment this year as I looked at our Christmas picture.  My oldest doesn’t look like one of the children anymore.  He is quickly becoming a young man. 

The introduction went on to describe the situation that men and boys face today.  Fathers are gone from the family, and the view of what a father should be is greatly warped.

Now that we are really a few generations into this mess it is starting to be a self-fulfilling prophecy where children with no dads end up having children that they are not dads to.  Though there is a movement afoot that is changing this.  Men want to be men.  Men want to be fathers.

[Initially Written 2.15.2009]
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