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Chapter 14 is titled, A Word To Dads Who Think They Blew It. 

Now being that my boys are still young this doesn’t fully apply to me, but for many man this is the chapter they will start with.  They will, as the author described, skim the table of contents and see this chapter and start here.  Asking if there is any hope, and the author simply puts it this way:

The answer, I’m happy to say, is “Yes".” It may require some hard humility on yoru part, but I can declare with certainty that as long as you’re both alive, it’s never too late to close the gap with your son. NEVER.

Then the author shares a story about a 64 year old… SON and his 94 year old dad.  How they, even at such an age, redeemed their relationships.  Even as I read it tonight it brings a few tears.

The chapter closes out with a directive to not let fear hold you back and then three steps to take to mend the relationship with a son.

1. Interview Him.  Ask him what he thinks about you as a dad.
2. Confess to him.  Let him know where you know you have failed.
3. Bless him.  This one I would think would be easier at a more advanced age than a younger one.  At an advanced age you likely have some track record to bless and encourage him.

This is a great book and I would highly recommend it for any father.  I will have a follow up post soon because Easter Weekend my son and I are taking a trip to Florida and I plan on implementing this book then!

Chapter 13 is titled, Where The Boys Are.  This was basically a recap of where the boys of the men who were the subject of this book are at.  Very basic chapter that, in my opinion, leaves out a lot of details.

The ‘best’ thing that you can give your son is Christ, and only on a few of the children is their desire to spread the gospel mentioned.  Which leads the skeptic in me to think that the others are not desiring to spread the gospel.  Seems like it would have been an easy statement to make if all of them were professed Christians. 

Just a fluff chapter for the ‘updated and expanded’ edition of this book.

[Initially Written: 3.17.09]
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Chapter 12 is titled, The Decree.

This is another short chapter, but after a wordy introduction the author gets into some meat of the chapter.  Explaining that originally the knight-hood was a pay to play role.  The poor need not apply. However over time that changed, only the sons of knights could become knights. 

That is still the same today.  The easiest path to knighthood for the sons is knighthood for the fathers.  There are exceptions, but as the author puts it; “and for every success story, there are a hundred tragedies.”  The exception is just that.  I am an exception, not the rule.

Then the following excerpt is in the book:

Every dad begins fatherhood with a distinct and awesome advantage: the unstinting admiration of his son. Wise dads, like Lee, recognize their privileged position and build upon it by modeling the message they preach to their sons. They know that words are only as strong as the source from which they arise.

Every boy adores his dad.  Are you worth adoring?  Am I worth adoring?

Then when talking about how parents as a whole, and dads specifically play as a role model, the following statement is made:

Dad, your son desires more than ideals.  He needs more than ceremonies.  His heart cries out for a father who lives like a knight; a dad who not only knows what he believes, but lives out what he believes.

That is a powerful statement.

The rest of the chapter closes in the the power of a dads life.  Just saying the right things isn’t enough.  You must live the right thing.  Reminds me of a church sign down the road from me (which is apparently an old quote from St. Francis of Assisi):

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
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Chapter 11 is titled Knighthood and the Community of Men

The first point made in this chapter is clear.  To bring your son to a proper manhood you first have to ‘clean out your own closet’.  You first have to be the man you want them to be.  The author puts the trek to manhood on a 100 point scale, giving 25 points for this.  The only other thing as important as this?  A community of men. 

The author gives three reasons for why this community is so critical:

1. Sons can sometimes dismiss what they’re hearing with the plaintive, “Oh, this is just Dad talking.” Bit it’s not just Dad talking! The community is telling him what is valuable.

2. Enlisting the community of men results in a depth of friendship that the lonely never experience. 

3. The community of men expands a son’s spiritual and moral resources.

A fairly short chapter, but it certainly gets the point across.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
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Chapter 10 is titled Commemorating a Transcendent Cause.

I think this chapter can be called the baptism chapter.  I am a believer that baptism is not just an ‘outward sign of an inward faith’ or that baptism is just obedience.  I don’t really understand why God did what he did about this, but our God is a God of ceremony.  I’ve said this for years.  Read the Bible and you see many things in life capped off with some ceremony, and they weren’t just small parts of it.  They were the topper to whatever was at the center of the ceremony. 

But this chapter basically says that you must be a part of your son’s baptism.  Let me say this now… I will not only be a part of my son’s baptism, but I will make sure it is special.  I’ve seen many baptisms over the years and let me say this.  NONE of them were good enough for MY boys. When this day comes it will be an event.  A celebration.  This will be a day captured by video camera and a still camera.  It will be something seared into the minds of all involved.  My boys will be making the decision to follow Him, and I will honor and bless that.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 9 was a continuation of chapter 8, titled “Other Manhood Ceremonies To Consider”.

Kind of a basic chapter, giving a few more points in life to recognize with a ceremony. 

1. 18th birthday.
2. 16th birthday.

Then it gave many other ways to have a ceremony.  One comment was very hard hitting, in a place where the manhood ceremony was ‘spiked’ home by the gift of a shotgun:

Jerry commented that a shotgun is a little like manhood: a powerful weapon that can be used for great good. But he also pointed out the dark side. A shotgun, when used improperly, can cause great destruction – and so it is with a man who lives only for himself.

Then the author shared another story that really choked me up, and I hope one day to be able to be a part of my grandsons ‘manhood’ ceremony.  Basically a father had set up an elaborate setup where the end was capped off with the grandfather walking the grandson to the camp.  What a vision.

A very emotional chapter to read.  In fact I am sending a note to a fellow father right now to buy this book and read this chapter, as his youngest son is coming of age.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 8, continuing on the ceremony topic covered in chapter 7 is titled, Four Key Manhood Ceremonies. 

The chapter started off with a story about Gettysburg.  How after the battle they wanted to have a ceremony to honor the soldiers, and the general practice of the day was for the keynote speaker to speak for roughly two hours and deliver a great message.  The man that was chosen was Edward Everett.  He delivered a great speech, however what is remembered from that day is a 272 word address from Abraham Lincoln.  The point being made that there are two things to remember as you walk your journey toward ceremony. 

1. This is a work in progress.  Things aren’t going to stay the same over the years.
2. Ceremonies produce surprises.

Many times what you expect to be the key moment of a ceremony ends up becoming a side point to the larger message.  Nobody would have thought that Abraham Lincoln’s message would be what is remembered.

Next the author described his family crest that he created at the beginning of his process.  Going over each element to explain what it means.

Then he went over the four stages that he laid out to have a ceremony.

1. Puberty.
2. High school graduation.
3. College Graduation (or equivalent).
4. Marriage.

Each of these provide a time to have a great life conversation with your son.

During the first phase, this is where you introduce what the next several years will look like.  This is where you give the definition of manhood and what you expect of him as he becomes a man.  Then you have to reinforce this over the years as real life situations come into play.  Now one of the benefits that the author had is that by watching their younger brother go through this journey his daughters got a picture of what a real man should look like.

High school graduation was then covered, and the author laid out the risk of this time of life.  If a clear and affirming message is not given then the opportunity to ‘get in trouble’ is great for the son.

College graduation, or an equivalent life event is when the boy becomes a man.  This time is ‘spiked’ by a gift and is when the boy becomes a man and then is involved in future manhood ceremonies.  When their brothers go through the process they are expected to participate as a man.

This chapter was filled with great practical moments.  This book rocks.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 7 is titled, The Power of Ceremony.  I took a lot from this chapter in how to communicate progress to my boys as they get older.

Think about times in your life that are memorable.  While many are going to be things that happen in life, the ones that REALLY stick out to you are ceremonies.  Funerals, weddings, baptisms, and similar events.  The author put it this way:

Ceremonies are those special occasions that weave the fabric of human existence. Weddings. Award banquets. Graduations. The day you became an Eagle Scout or were accepted into a fraternity.  We remember because of ceremony.

Think back upon the significant moments in your life. With few exceptions, the value of those moments was sealed by ceremonies. Someone took the time to plan the details, prepare the speech, and purchase the awards – so you would feel special.

Ceremony should be one of the crown jewels for helping a boy become a man. In many cultures throughout history, a teenage boy has been taken through some type of ritual to mark his official passage into manhood. I believe one of the great tragedies of Western culture today is the absence of this type of ceremony.

Two things stick out to me there.  The comment that ‘someone took the time to plan the details’.  Ceremonies by their definition don’t just happen.  They are planned and expected to produce something.  The other comment was how our Western culture is missing this very element to our life’s.

Dig. Set. Spike.

This is how the author relates the process to getting to a ceremony.  The phrase is taken from Volley Ball, where a person ‘digs’, which puts the ball into play.  ‘Set’s’ where a person sets the ball up for a spike, which seals the deal and gives the point to the team.  The dig is compared to the point where a dad comes to the understanding that a greater life is to be had and starts to work on his character development.  The set is the early years of a son’s life.  Where you start laying the ground work to spike home the fact that your boy has made a transition in life.  The ceremony. 

This process is then played out for a knight, and after the very detailed process the question was asked:

Do you think this young man would ever wonder if he really became a knight?

NO!  The process was so deliberate that this boy knew when he was a knight.  The same should be for our boys they should know when they are men.  No questions asked. 

The chapter this concludes with an answer to the following question, “What makes a good ceremony?” Which is given a four part answer:

1. Memorable Ceremonies are costly.
2. Memorable Ceremonies ascribe value.
3. Memorable ceremonies employ symbols.
4. Memorable ceremonies empower a life with vision.

Number two and three really hit home for me.

Ceremonies should ascribe value, in that it should say two things to the person at the center of the ceremony. You are important! This is important!   They need to understand the ramifications to what just happened. 

I really enjoyed the concept of symbols.  I think that having something solid to look at, hold, feel, etc… really drives home the message.  I am actually working on getting a ‘family crest’ together for my future knights!

I am a bit overwhelmed and looking forward to the ceremonies of my own children.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
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Chapter 6 is titled, A Transcendent Cause.

The chapter starts off talking about the battle of of Peleliu in 1944.  It is a battle that many historians have declared irrelevant.  Talking about how hard this was for the veterans to be relegated as irrelevant.  Talking about how men have to have a point in their life, a transcendent cause.

Next the author talks about the conventional vision of manhood, with five celebrated characteristics.

1. It paints a one-dimensional picture, equating manhood with a “position.”
2. His value is earned; therefore he becomes highly competitive.
3. Success is the goal – often at the expense of one’s marriage, one’s children, and meaningful, close relationships.
4. The reward of conventional manhood is power, chiefly in the marketplace.
5. If a man becomes successful in this plan, he enjoys personal wealth and affluence.

Then the author wraps this up with a pretty good paragraph:

The problem with this conventional model of manhood is not that it is wrong, but that it is incomplete. As a part of life, there is nothing wrong with pursuing a career and success and all the trappings (minus the concubines!) that go with it. The problem is in thinking this is all of life when, in fact, it is only a part.

The bigger part is having a transcendent cause. A transcendent cause is defined as having three characteristics:

* Truly heroic
* Timeless
* Supremely Meaningful

However we as parents have not been giving our sons this, which I think is summed up best with the following statement:

We give our sons good things, but not the best things.

Next the author went to share a personal story between a friend and a stranger on an airplane.  The stranger shared a lot of his story and the friend saw how this guy had a burden for his failures as a father and then he asked the stranger if his dad ever said he was proud of you.  The stranger said no, so then the friend went on to tell him what is good about him by his story.  The stranger wiped a tear from his eye. Now what makes this story interesting was the day I read this for the first time I went to a men’s group meeting and around the end of the meeting a fellow guy there basically said the same to me.  Meant a lot to me to hear those words of affirmation.  Which also is a theme to this book, that we need that affirmation and we need to GIVE that affirmation to others.  Not to be afraid to cheer on our fellow men.

Finally the chapter wraps up with why Jesus is that transcendent cause.

1. Jesus Christ is truly heroic.
2. Jesus Christ is timeless.
3. Jesus Christ is supremely meaningful.

Overall a very good chapter to read.

[Initially Written: 3.1.2009]
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Chapter 5 is tilted, A Code of Conduct.

The chapter starts by talking about what having a code of conduct would look like in life by sharing two stories.  The first of himself when he got caught cheating in school.  The teacher said to him, “You are who you are when nobody is looking.” Then a story about a friend who was fishing with his dad, caught a large bass two hours before bass season.  His dad made him throw it back.  That lesson was something neither boy ever forgot.

Next he talked about the changing moral climate, with a great quote from William Kilpatrick:

Parents cannot, as they once did, rely on the culture to reinforce home values. In fact, they can expect that many of the cultural forces influencing their children will be actively undermining those values.

Wow.  I don’t think I’ve ever heard it put better.

In keeping with the theme of the book the author then went through what the code of conduct was for a knight.

1. Be loyal.
2. Conduct himself like a champion.
3. Win the love of women.
4. Practice generosity.

Violating this oath resulted in a charge of treason!

The author then gave 10 things that could be considered the Christian code of conduct:

1. Loyalty.
2. Servant-leadership.
3. Kindness.
4. Humility.
5. Purity.
6. Honesty.
7. Self-discipline.
8. Excellence.
9. Integrity.
10. Perseverance

All of this raises the question, how does a father train a child to have such a code of conduct?  The author gives these suggestions:

1. A father must set a Godly example.
2. A father must teach spiritual truth.
3. A father should share stories.
4. A father reinforces through affirmation, attention, and discipline.  With great stress on the first two.

Next the author offers a bit of wisdom in how to train a child.  Many parents make the mistake of trying to live their dream through their son, when they should really push their sons toward their individual bent. I’ve had to deal with this myself.  I love to play basketball and don’t care much for baseball.  What do my son’s enjoy playing?  Baseball.  I’ve had to let them (and support them) do their own thing and let it produce the fruit it produces.

Finally the author closes the chapter telling us what it means to love and honor women.  How a knight was expected to rescue the damsel in distress.  Protecting women was a special expectation of the knight hood.

[Initially Written: 2.28.2009]
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