Cincifamily.com

Ever since I joined the Thomas Nelson Publishing book review program (where they send me books for free to review), I’ve been reading many more books in life.  This book has been one of the best I’ve been asked to review.

I went into reading this book with low expectations.  The author, Pete Wilson, is the minister for a large contemporary church in Nashville, Tennessee.  Generally churches like that put me off more than they inspire me, so I expected the same from this book.  Thankfully I was very wrong.  This book will shake the core of many readers.  It will challenge who you are due to your circumstances. 

When I read a book I generally do it in a set process.  First I read it strait through with no real deep study of the contents.  If, after that initial reading, I really like it I will go back and read it chapter by chapter.  Generally going through it on my blog.  This will be such a book, there is a future series coming about this book.

One of the items I don’t see pushed enough in this book is the potential to be used for small group and church studies.  This would cause great bonding and growth in both if people got on board with going through it.

Plan B’s happen in life and its not a matter of if you deal with them, but how.  This book helps answer the how.

This book gets one of my highest recommendations.

As a member of the Thomas Nelson Blogging team I get the occasional free book to review.  When The Language of Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs came up as available I jumped all over it.

Many months later I am done.  I really struggled with reading this book because I have been reading and following Dr. Eggerichs’s teachings since he first aired on Focus on the Family many years ago.  I bought the CD of the Focus on the Family broadcast, bought and read the book, and went on a two day retreat around this teaching. 

The unfortunate side effect of this, is that there was little new in this book.  It was rehashing a lot of what I heard during the two day retreat focused on the book.  However, as I finally fought through the book I found the meat that made this book worthwhile.  Chapter 14 and on was very refreshing to read.  Several practical points with the Love and Respect teaching.  I’ll be going back over those chapters and making sure I pick up more of the pointers in them.

While my reading of this book was a bit saturated with past knowledge, if you haven’t been exposed to the Love and Respect teaching I would highly recommend this book.  This will change any marriage when applied.  Even if it doesn’t, when this book in particular is applied your perspective of your marriage will change.  It makes a difficult marriage something a person can work through personally.

Chapter 14 is titled, A Word To Dads Who Think They Blew It. 

Now being that my boys are still young this doesn’t fully apply to me, but for many man this is the chapter they will start with.  They will, as the author described, skim the table of contents and see this chapter and start here.  Asking if there is any hope, and the author simply puts it this way:

The answer, I’m happy to say, is “Yes".” It may require some hard humility on yoru part, but I can declare with certainty that as long as you’re both alive, it’s never too late to close the gap with your son. NEVER.

Then the author shares a story about a 64 year old… SON and his 94 year old dad.  How they, even at such an age, redeemed their relationships.  Even as I read it tonight it brings a few tears.

The chapter closes out with a directive to not let fear hold you back and then three steps to take to mend the relationship with a son.

1. Interview Him.  Ask him what he thinks about you as a dad.
2. Confess to him.  Let him know where you know you have failed.
3. Bless him.  This one I would think would be easier at a more advanced age than a younger one.  At an advanced age you likely have some track record to bless and encourage him.

This is a great book and I would highly recommend it for any father.  I will have a follow up post soon because Easter Weekend my son and I are taking a trip to Florida and I plan on implementing this book then!

Chapter 13 is titled, Where The Boys Are.  This was basically a recap of where the boys of the men who were the subject of this book are at.  Very basic chapter that, in my opinion, leaves out a lot of details.

The ‘best’ thing that you can give your son is Christ, and only on a few of the children is their desire to spread the gospel mentioned.  Which leads the skeptic in me to think that the others are not desiring to spread the gospel.  Seems like it would have been an easy statement to make if all of them were professed Christians. 

Just a fluff chapter for the ‘updated and expanded’ edition of this book.

[Initially Written: 3.17.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 12 is titled, The Decree.

This is another short chapter, but after a wordy introduction the author gets into some meat of the chapter.  Explaining that originally the knight-hood was a pay to play role.  The poor need not apply. However over time that changed, only the sons of knights could become knights. 

That is still the same today.  The easiest path to knighthood for the sons is knighthood for the fathers.  There are exceptions, but as the author puts it; “and for every success story, there are a hundred tragedies.”  The exception is just that.  I am an exception, not the rule.

Then the following excerpt is in the book:

Every dad begins fatherhood with a distinct and awesome advantage: the unstinting admiration of his son. Wise dads, like Lee, recognize their privileged position and build upon it by modeling the message they preach to their sons. They know that words are only as strong as the source from which they arise.

Every boy adores his dad.  Are you worth adoring?  Am I worth adoring?

Then when talking about how parents as a whole, and dads specifically play as a role model, the following statement is made:

Dad, your son desires more than ideals.  He needs more than ceremonies.  His heart cries out for a father who lives like a knight; a dad who not only knows what he believes, but lives out what he believes.

That is a powerful statement.

The rest of the chapter closes in the the power of a dads life.  Just saying the right things isn’t enough.  You must live the right thing.  Reminds me of a church sign down the road from me (which is apparently an old quote from St. Francis of Assisi):

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 11 is titled Knighthood and the Community of Men

The first point made in this chapter is clear.  To bring your son to a proper manhood you first have to ‘clean out your own closet’.  You first have to be the man you want them to be.  The author puts the trek to manhood on a 100 point scale, giving 25 points for this.  The only other thing as important as this?  A community of men. 

The author gives three reasons for why this community is so critical:

1. Sons can sometimes dismiss what they’re hearing with the plaintive, “Oh, this is just Dad talking.” Bit it’s not just Dad talking! The community is telling him what is valuable.

2. Enlisting the community of men results in a depth of friendship that the lonely never experience. 

3. The community of men expands a son’s spiritual and moral resources.

A fairly short chapter, but it certainly gets the point across.

[Initially Written: 3.16.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 10 is titled Commemorating a Transcendent Cause.

I think this chapter can be called the baptism chapter.  I am a believer that baptism is not just an ‘outward sign of an inward faith’ or that baptism is just obedience.  I don’t really understand why God did what he did about this, but our God is a God of ceremony.  I’ve said this for years.  Read the Bible and you see many things in life capped off with some ceremony, and they weren’t just small parts of it.  They were the topper to whatever was at the center of the ceremony. 

But this chapter basically says that you must be a part of your son’s baptism.  Let me say this now… I will not only be a part of my son’s baptism, but I will make sure it is special.  I’ve seen many baptisms over the years and let me say this.  NONE of them were good enough for MY boys. When this day comes it will be an event.  A celebration.  This will be a day captured by video camera and a still camera.  It will be something seared into the minds of all involved.  My boys will be making the decision to follow Him, and I will honor and bless that.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 9 was a continuation of chapter 8, titled “Other Manhood Ceremonies To Consider”.

Kind of a basic chapter, giving a few more points in life to recognize with a ceremony. 

1. 18th birthday.
2. 16th birthday.

Then it gave many other ways to have a ceremony.  One comment was very hard hitting, in a place where the manhood ceremony was ‘spiked’ home by the gift of a shotgun:

Jerry commented that a shotgun is a little like manhood: a powerful weapon that can be used for great good. But he also pointed out the dark side. A shotgun, when used improperly, can cause great destruction – and so it is with a man who lives only for himself.

Then the author shared another story that really choked me up, and I hope one day to be able to be a part of my grandsons ‘manhood’ ceremony.  Basically a father had set up an elaborate setup where the end was capped off with the grandfather walking the grandson to the camp.  What a vision.

A very emotional chapter to read.  In fact I am sending a note to a fellow father right now to buy this book and read this chapter, as his youngest son is coming of age.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 8, continuing on the ceremony topic covered in chapter 7 is titled, Four Key Manhood Ceremonies. 

The chapter started off with a story about Gettysburg.  How after the battle they wanted to have a ceremony to honor the soldiers, and the general practice of the day was for the keynote speaker to speak for roughly two hours and deliver a great message.  The man that was chosen was Edward Everett.  He delivered a great speech, however what is remembered from that day is a 272 word address from Abraham Lincoln.  The point being made that there are two things to remember as you walk your journey toward ceremony. 

1. This is a work in progress.  Things aren’t going to stay the same over the years.
2. Ceremonies produce surprises.

Many times what you expect to be the key moment of a ceremony ends up becoming a side point to the larger message.  Nobody would have thought that Abraham Lincoln’s message would be what is remembered.

Next the author described his family crest that he created at the beginning of his process.  Going over each element to explain what it means.

Then he went over the four stages that he laid out to have a ceremony.

1. Puberty.
2. High school graduation.
3. College Graduation (or equivalent).
4. Marriage.

Each of these provide a time to have a great life conversation with your son.

During the first phase, this is where you introduce what the next several years will look like.  This is where you give the definition of manhood and what you expect of him as he becomes a man.  Then you have to reinforce this over the years as real life situations come into play.  Now one of the benefits that the author had is that by watching their younger brother go through this journey his daughters got a picture of what a real man should look like.

High school graduation was then covered, and the author laid out the risk of this time of life.  If a clear and affirming message is not given then the opportunity to ‘get in trouble’ is great for the son.

College graduation, or an equivalent life event is when the boy becomes a man.  This time is ‘spiked’ by a gift and is when the boy becomes a man and then is involved in future manhood ceremonies.  When their brothers go through the process they are expected to participate as a man.

This chapter was filled with great practical moments.  This book rocks.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
[See All Related Post]

Chapter 7 is titled, The Power of Ceremony.  I took a lot from this chapter in how to communicate progress to my boys as they get older.

Think about times in your life that are memorable.  While many are going to be things that happen in life, the ones that REALLY stick out to you are ceremonies.  Funerals, weddings, baptisms, and similar events.  The author put it this way:

Ceremonies are those special occasions that weave the fabric of human existence. Weddings. Award banquets. Graduations. The day you became an Eagle Scout or were accepted into a fraternity.  We remember because of ceremony.

Think back upon the significant moments in your life. With few exceptions, the value of those moments was sealed by ceremonies. Someone took the time to plan the details, prepare the speech, and purchase the awards – so you would feel special.

Ceremony should be one of the crown jewels for helping a boy become a man. In many cultures throughout history, a teenage boy has been taken through some type of ritual to mark his official passage into manhood. I believe one of the great tragedies of Western culture today is the absence of this type of ceremony.

Two things stick out to me there.  The comment that ‘someone took the time to plan the details’.  Ceremonies by their definition don’t just happen.  They are planned and expected to produce something.  The other comment was how our Western culture is missing this very element to our life’s.

Dig. Set. Spike.

This is how the author relates the process to getting to a ceremony.  The phrase is taken from Volley Ball, where a person ‘digs’, which puts the ball into play.  ‘Set’s’ where a person sets the ball up for a spike, which seals the deal and gives the point to the team.  The dig is compared to the point where a dad comes to the understanding that a greater life is to be had and starts to work on his character development.  The set is the early years of a son’s life.  Where you start laying the ground work to spike home the fact that your boy has made a transition in life.  The ceremony. 

This process is then played out for a knight, and after the very detailed process the question was asked:

Do you think this young man would ever wonder if he really became a knight?

NO!  The process was so deliberate that this boy knew when he was a knight.  The same should be for our boys they should know when they are men.  No questions asked. 

The chapter this concludes with an answer to the following question, “What makes a good ceremony?” Which is given a four part answer:

1. Memorable Ceremonies are costly.
2. Memorable Ceremonies ascribe value.
3. Memorable ceremonies employ symbols.
4. Memorable ceremonies empower a life with vision.

Number two and three really hit home for me.

Ceremonies should ascribe value, in that it should say two things to the person at the center of the ceremony. You are important! This is important!   They need to understand the ramifications to what just happened. 

I really enjoyed the concept of symbols.  I think that having something solid to look at, hold, feel, etc… really drives home the message.  I am actually working on getting a ‘family crest’ together for my future knights!

I am a bit overwhelmed and looking forward to the ceremonies of my own children.

[Initially Written: 3.8.09]
[See All Related Post]